it's incredibly scary. the noise, the flying bullet parts, the kickback, all of it. i was so nervous that i kept sweating, and i never sweat due to nerves. when you actually hold a real handgun and feel the force as you fire even just a single shot... i felt flooded. vulnerability, fear, nervousness, out of control, raw. all my senses felt heightened beyond because i was being so careful, so focused.
interestingly, my cousin said it makes him feel in control and powerful. maybe that comes with time, but for my first time, i was absolutely terrified. i felt so exposed.
it's nothing like the movies or video games or paintball. they make it look so easy. i can't believe the difference between what it looks like on screen and what it feels like in your hands. COMPLETELY different.
the only way i could hit my shots was to slow down, breathe very deeply, let it all fully out, including my hardwired instinct to flinch, and then follow through with the action. i never fully realized the power of my breath until today. nor how quickly something that can end your life instantly can make you feel so exposed and raw. it gave me a lot to think about.
(chicago)
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