swph

a love letter to you, dear little one...

i remember... i remember chasing you around the parking lot and covering you with kisses when i would catch you. i remember that one perfect picture we took. i was kissing you on the cheek and it made you so happy, you winked at the camera. and everytime i came over, you showed me that photo. it was a reminder of you, of us, of our time together. and that picture stayed frozen in my mind for all the years that came after that, and i know it did for you too. it bound us together and it created a special place in the both of our hearts for each other.

i remember smothering you with affection, even as you grew up and moved away, and every point of contact i had with you was drenched in fondness. but the points grew further and further in between and i got busy... and seeing you after all those years, last thanksgiving, was amazing. i'm so glad i forced your dad to drive all that way. and i would've taken the heat for you a million times over when you got in trouble with him... i wish i would've kept up better, but i kept thinking we had time. you got better and i thought you were ok. you were young, you were strong, you had beaten it already. 

you're frozen at 3 years old for me, you always were. and 3 is too young to go already, too fast to leave this party when you just arrived... i think you could tell, right? how proud i was to see you, to know you again... but i'm happy for you, i feel joy for you, because i know how light and free you are right now. and i know you know all my thoughts and love for you, the unspoken ones...

little one, go in peace... the love remains, always... always... we shall meet again soon enough... 

your highest truth

i had an interesting conversation with a friend not that long ago. we were talking about how most men are afraid of being tied down and forced into a commitment, so most often, they're found running away in order to remain "free." and he said that his fellow mates were so silly and they had gotten it all wrong.

"they've just never truly been loved by a woman. because once you've had that, you have no appetite for anyone less." my friend went on to tell me how he had no tolerance for young girls, for stupid games, for anyone afraid of standing in their own full power. he explained that being in a real relationship had actually liberated him, rather than tied him down, because she kept challenging him to become bigger and fuller and more beautiful of a person. "i would not have discovered the depths of myself had she not made me step up. not because she kept provoking me, but because she was so full and aware of herself, that it made me want to match her light."

what does that say about you if you're afraid? afraid of being a man? afraid of a relationship instead of seeking out the liberations of one? why is commitment a bad word, when you wouldn't hesitate to commit to a winning company, a rewarding career, or even a losing sports team? what are you so scared of?

and what does it say about you if you're afraid of being a woman? afraid of unleashing your brightness?     and why are you chasing a "commitment" from someone else when your greatest commitment will always be yourself?

people get confused... i'm seeking light and freedom, that's the end of the story. maybe you'll join me, maybe you'll continue to wander in the shadows... but i promise you, the leap is worth it.

(nyc)

just because

to begin, anew.

and the sun finallllllly rises in my life...

i started a journey, a long loooooong time ago, not knowing what a rabbit hole i would fall into when i opened up a particular book. i had just graduated college, and didn't even know how to ask questions. it had never even crossed my mind to question life and the things that happened within my own because i had lived contentedly, blindly, up until then.

but this book asked me a very clear question that i could not answer: what is the biggest risk you've ever taken?

for some reason, it bothered me, to my core, that i couldn't answer this. and the reason was because i had never taken one, not a true one.

and thus started the process of a thousand steps, incessant searching and questioning, asking why and what, who, how, when, where, time, space, distance, connections, purpose, religion, spirituality, my soul, the universe, reasons - it was endless. what was to be my life path? and how would i get there?

i very quickly realized that i had an enormous appetite for risk, in the quest for answers. i continually threw away the things that society deemed proper, important, necessary, in order to have a "happy" life. i wanted enlightenment, not things to soothe and lull me into complacency.

and then i found it. unexpectedly, in a strange yet exactly perfect way, i met God in italy. it's sounds preposterous to declare something like that so baldly, but through a culminating set of circumstances and an angel in disguise, i literally came face to face with the One. and i became forever changed.

it cemented my faith and my being in such an immovable way, and completely opened up my insides. i saw things from an altogether different perspective. and it was beautiful, the way i could see people and life and circumstances now. no judgements, no unkindnesses, no pettiness. when i could see the world through God's eyes, all i could see was love. perfect love.

but i didn't tell anyone or explain anything to my family and friends. it seemed pointless, and crazy. what did it matter if i had met God or met george clooney? ultimately, what would matter most would be the way i carried myself, the way i treated others, and that my conduct should speak louder than words.

but the trouble with experiencing something like that is that you don't want to go back. i didn't want to be here in this life anymore, because what i had seen beyond was so much more profoundly beautiful. it's like growing up in a desert, then tasting an ice cream sundae for the first time in your life. so i spent the next set of years chasing ice cream in my life in different forms, trying again to live constantly in that light at the end of the tunnel.

i felt as if i could never fully breathe a deep, perfect breath. i wanted so badly to exhale, but nothing felt right. i kept inhaling and inhaling, never to find the right outlet in which to channel all my energies. i wanted it to be acting. i love the craft and art of it, to be able to inhabit different forms and move people to new places and realizations within themselves. and even as i got close or hit the marker sometimes, i never felt 100% secure that it was my calling, the way that some of my other friends just know. it's all they know and their conviction is beautiful.

but all along, i had been writing my entire life. writing for myself turned into writing for others, editing, ghostwriting and even life-coaching and writing therapy. and it so naturally fit me - who i am, how i've been trained and what i've experienced. i could find fulfillment through helping others find their path.

one of my favorite stories growing up was cinderella, like many other little girls. but i never wanted to be the princess, i always wanted to be the fairy godmother. i wanted to be the one to help make people happy and grant tiny wishes with a swipe of a wand. i thought this fairy godmother had the coolest power imaginable, and i had always longed to possess that kind of magic. i believed in it. the power to light up someone else's life by helping them, even if only for a night, and in ways known and unknown.

but sometimes one gets tired. i felt richly rewarded in so many ways, but i also felt drained and mired down with responsibility. i became invested in people and outcomes, and built up expectations. and as i dug deeper into the writing and coaching world, i slowly realized that i felt stuck and exhausted. i knew i had the ideas, the capability and the resources, but i lost the desire. i wanted to do something concrete for myself, not for everyone else.

for as long as i can remember, i've been giving out my time, my ears, my support and benefit of the doubt. not just with writing, but in every area of my life. many times, this made me "dumb" in the eyes of others, like i was some smiling dolt who couldn't read between the lines. it wasn't that i couldn't, but because it didn't matter. in the grand scheme of things, don't you realize how much more you can be? that's the you that i was seeing, even if you didn't know it yourself. i saw your beauty, your love, and it was never about getting anything back. i gave because i alone wanted to. the very act of it made me happy, regardless of your subsequent actions.

but my constant outward focus left little energy for me. and the questions never stopped, they only got louder. if my path was not to follow a life of acting or writing, what was my purpose? why was i still here??

so i decided to throw everything away.

to let it aaaalllllll go. every single thing i've been holding onto, arguing with God as to why i should follow this path or that. i gave up. and i realize now, that this breaking point has been years in the making.

the past few years have been filled with some huge life shifts and tests of my faith, strength and will. many times i felt small and broken, completely vulnerable, fragile and stressed out. other times, i felt light as air and completely immersed in the flow and Oneness of the universe, full of gratitude. they were all flip sides of the same coin. and it didn't matter which side of the line i kept falling on, the only true decision i had to make was this - to let go or not?

it happened very quickly, the firming up of this decision to just let Life take over, one literal cross-country plane ride. and how funny it is, that the exact moment you make peace within yourself is the exact same moment Clarity decides to ride in on a white horse like some knight in shining armor. in a split instant, i felt my calling.

i've had an idea brewing inside of me for a few years, but its proper place in my life was on the very back shelf of my mind. and the moment i decided to throw out everything-everyone-every hope-every expectation-every possible outcome-every half-answer in my life up till this point, my Calling jumped out of the ashes like a rising phoenix. and it feels amazing.

i feel like i can finally breathe again, for the first time in my life, since all those years ago when i first woke up to God's presence. i just feel this perfect clarity and my whole life makes sense, including all the "detours" and pit stops.

it still involves a large degree of my childhood fantasies of being a fairy godmother, but in a newly aligned way that will nourish both me and others. it all feels perfect. it's not about momentum or obstacles or working hard. i just see my path lit up before me, a total natural unfolding of my life's purpose. not to say that other doors are completely closed, but only if it works out down the road in alignment with my overall calling.

i feel such peace within.

now that i know exactly which mountain i'm supposed to climb, i start.

thank you for reading this, i'll see you in a few.

walk in blessing, youri.   

thoughts in my head today

when you are the light, you cannot complain about the darkness. because you could not exist without the darkness in which you contrast yourself against.

you are the source of your world, not the subject of it.

the relationship you have with yourself sets the blueprint, nature and quality of all your other relationships.

love is a state of allowing, not merely being, acting or doing.

you can wrinkle, crumple, stain and even tear a $100 bill and tape it back together, yet it can still buy $100 worth of goods. no value is lost in the wear and tear of daily life. why do people lose confidence in their self-worth if they are not "perfect"?

sometimes you look at the crazies dancing to the beat of their own imaginary drum and declare them fools. but some of them do it long enough with just enough passion and conviction, and somewhere, you start to get convinced.

is it better for two straight lines to intersect at a meeting point, never to meet again, or better for them to run parallel side by side for their entire lives, yet never to touch?

the silence between the notes plays an equally important role in creating a masterpiece symphony.

(nyc)

samsara

the cycle of birth, growth, decline, death... the vastness yet intricacy of humanity, nature, this life, and all the thousands upon thousands of connections. we are one.

(nyc)

dust that sings...

can you listen to this and not tell me that it doesn't alter your perspective?

"heaven bestows rain evenly, but a cup can only hold a cupful, a bowl can only hold a bowlful, and a washbowful can only hold a washbowful..." - from the diamond sutra, monk kim jae woong

(nyc)