fly higher

i love airports and plane rides. traveling always excites me, even if i'm tired because i've been up all night (which somehow always happens to be the case). i love the motion and flow of everything swirling around me.

one thing i realized this trip is that no matter what's happening down there, on earth - it could be rain, thunderstorms, snow, nighttime, etc. - that once the plane starts to climb higher and higher - it is always sunny once we break through the clouds. the brightness never goes anywhere, no matter what's happening down below. it's just a matter of lifting ourselves high enough to be in the light. hmm....

(somewhere b/t ord>ewr)

scary as sh*t

today my cousin took me to a shooting range and i shot a glock.

it's incredibly scary. the noise, the flying bullet parts, the kickback, all of it. i was so nervous that i kept sweating, and i never sweat due to nerves. when you actually hold a real handgun and feel the force as you fire even just a single shot... i felt flooded. vulnerability, fear, nervousness, out of control, raw. all my senses felt heightened beyond because i was being so careful, so focused.

interestingly, my cousin said it makes him feel in control and powerful. maybe that comes with time, but for my first time, i was absolutely terrified. i felt so exposed.

it's nothing like the movies or video games or paintball. they make it look so easy. i can't believe the difference between what it looks like on screen and what it feels like in your hands. COMPLETELY different.

the only way i could hit my shots was to slow down, breathe very deeply, let it all fully out, including my hardwired instinct to flinch, and then follow through with the action. i never fully realized the power of my breath until today. nor how quickly something that can end your life instantly can make you feel so exposed and raw. it gave me a lot to think about.

(chicago)

writer crush

today i had the honor of attending a special screening and Q&A of martin scorsese's newest film, hugo:

the trailer does not do this film justice... it's magical, please go see it!! the opening shot is amazing, and the set is fantastic (apparently they actually built the whole entire train station!). there's something about old paris that really resonates with me, and fantasy movies in general, where the setting plays an enormous role in creating dream worlds. the film made me fall even more deeply in love with the magic of moviemaking.

the entire cast was present, as was the screenwriter, john logan. what a stud. i got to meet and talk to him! i felt giddy. i'm pretty sure i was smiling a little too big. kind of like the time i was bowled over by john hodgman, another studly writer. maybe i have a thing for johns.  

(nyc) :D

yup yup

"be humble for you are made of earth, be noble for you are made of stars."
- serbian proverb

(nyc)

mutilated corn

was scrolling through my old pixx and came across this:

a friend of mine from tokyo came to visit over the summer, and her five-year-old son and i decided to share a corn on the cob during lunch. i told him i would take my bites after he was done with it first.

this is what he hands me.

apparently, my friends are raising a chipmunk, not a human being.

(nyc) :)

cosmic sequence

from terence malick's "tree of life"

(watch it full screen...)

how can one watch this and not feel... something...

(nyc)

raw

this past week i got to film the lead role for an amazing character... but three days after, i feel so emotionally fucked up after inhabiting all her emotions that i can't stop crying for no reason at all. the character is dealing with the repercussions of emotional and physical abuse, and as an actress, i feel lucky to have gotten the chance to play a character of such depth. but on a personal level, i can't shake it off... my real life is nothing like the character's, but i feel like i got ripped open somehow. i feel small and fragile, raw and broken... my heart just feels like it's bleeding, slowly... and it hurts. it really hurts.

(nyc)

someone like you

(nyc)

game changer

sometimes you manage to be in the right place at the right time in your life, and you can just feel it.

you get to participate in something that you just know is about to change your momentum going forward.

thank you to the amaaaaaazing crew i had the honor of working with this week, down to every single last PA. you guys made it possible for me to shine, and i couldn't have done it without all your seriously hard work.

super excited to see the rough cut already... :)

(nyc)

specificity

today i had another stunt choreography rehearsal for a role that i'll be filming soon. i never realized exactly how very specific all these movements have to be. it's been an eye-opening, bruise-inducing experience for me so far, but i'm loving all of it. i'm learning so much about intention, being specific and being centered within my body and my emotions, and it's making me realize - it's just like the writing and editing work that i do, only this is all physical. and then i realized - actually, it's just like all of life, period.

sometimes, you just need to experience things in a different way to illuminate your spirit.

learning.

(nyc)

immense

i just feel immense right now.
my heart feels swollen with love, with pride, with beauty
with gratitude.


this this this!! is what it's all about
creation in the highest.

(times square)

unconditional

means i want the best for you
that i want you to be happy
that i want you to look good
that i want you to shine

so that i can stand in the presence of your light

please don't let your ego or your pride or your fear
block that

what is the point of being so beautiful
if you've got no one to share it with
and no one to appreciate you?

(nyc)