spoilers ahead

have you ever wanted to know what's going to happen next in your life, how things are going to turn out? have you ever gone to see a fortune teller or a palm reader, asking questions about your job, your love life, or maybe some sort of problem?

people say all the time, "it's no fun if you know how things are going to turn out. that's why there are no guarantees in life, that's what makes it fun!" and i think "bullshit." i never understood that sentiment. i always am so curious, almost greedy, to know the final answer...

until recently.

i was watching:

and that's when i got it. i had read some online review about an upcoming episode and even though the author had warned about the spoilers ahead, i read it anyway b/c i thought i wouldn't care. and then when i watched the actual episode, i realized that i did. i did care. it took all the fun out of the show, knowing that i knew the twists and turns of the plot.

and that's when i finally realized the true meaning of that saying, which had been just a cliche to me up till that point. people say it in passing without really meaning it, it's just one of those things that you say. and it always sounded hollow to me, but now i understand that life really is no fun when you know the ending.

the excitement happens in the moments of not knowing. that's what we look forward to in tv shows and movies - without the suspense of the ride, we would never watch such flat, boring stories. yet in real life, we forget this very point b/c we're so focused on getting to the end results and feeling anxious about it the whole time. we forget to breathe... in the moment.

enjoy the now. it's what we actually truly live for.

(napa valley)

letting go...

two zen monks, tanzan and ekido, were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

the monks walked on in silence. five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, ekido could not restrain himself any longer. "why did you carry that girl across the road? we monks are not supposed to do things like that."

"i put that girl down hours ago," said tanzan. "are you still carrying her?"

(nyc)

people that make you go hmmm

tonight i met someone who struck me b/c he was just so real.

i can't quite put my finger on it, but his energy struck me b/c it seemed so neutral. that's a funny word, but i don't mean it in a negative way. he was just simply present as a human being, wanting nothing and needing nothing, but just being himself. no projections, no perceptions, no agenda, no small talk. just real. just present. i don't know how else to describe it.

it was nice. it had nothing to do with the way we were interacting or anything romantic or even friendly. it didn't even have anything to do with two people just clicking or getting along as people sometimes do. it was just about one human being recognizing another, minus the surface of this world. such a strange way to describe it, but sometimes i meet people, however briefly, that move me for some reason. hmm.

(nyc)

two wolves

one evening an old cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

"my son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. one is evil. it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

the other is good. it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

the grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf wins?"

the old cherokee simply replied, "the one you feed."

(nyc)

new.

past choices
past mistakes
벗어나
일어나

또다시
한번더
두번더
go.

..........

past choices
past mistakes
(shed it)
(get up)

(again again)
(one more time)
(two more times)
go.

(nyc)

create it. raw.

conceive it, think it, pray it, breathe it, eat it, sleep it, try it, fry it, write it, act it, dream it, cook it, draw it, load it, speak it, sing it, play it, be it, fuck it, make it, live it.

i create, therefore i am.

-youri

(nyc)