huuuuuge smile on my face

every. single. time. i watch this:

love love love.

(nyc)

feeding souls

i sometimes do this for fun:

i've always loved cooking, entertaining and having people over. some of my earliest memories center around the huge dinner parties that my parents would throw, when my mom would wear her special long dresses.

i love the creativity of imagining dishes, pulling them together and serving them to the hungry hungry hippos. it genuinely makes me happy to feed my friends, which is why i started helping friends and then even friends of friends with their parties. i've done dinners for 10 and dinners for 150. give me a credit card and a kitchen, and i will help you get everyone fat, drunk and happy. food nourishes our bodies, but the act of getting together in festivity nourishes our souls as well. a good dinner party does that.

which is why it bothers me when people are dismissive and look right through me. i don't do events full-time, this is not my regular job, and even if it was, why should that mean you lose your manners? i do this because i enjoy it, and i'm actually here as a friend of the host because they don't know how to do everything and need help. but i often get mistaken for "the help" and it's interesting how people's true natures come out. i see the social climbers, the arrogant schmoozers, and the too-cool-for-school posers with the "fancy" job titles. in a different setting, these are the same types that want to network with me because i went to the "right" schools and know the "right" people. really?

but then there are the special ones. the ones who look you in the eye, say thank you and ask questions. i appreciate them the most because they are why i do what i do. i'm there to make sure you eat, drink and be merry.

so my hats off to you, humble partiers. i'll toast to you because your appreciation makes the world a brighter place, and there will always be a place for you at my dinner table.

bon apetit and cheers!

(nyc)

um yeah, i said that.

in my defense, i've been sick and coughing up phlegm all week...

my lovely sister posts this up to facebook with the caption "my sister, the genius. hahaha...."
;D

(nyc)

swph

a love letter to you, dear little one...

i remember... i remember chasing you around the parking lot and covering you with kisses when i would catch you. i remember that one perfect picture we took. i was kissing you on the cheek and it made you so happy, you winked at the camera. and everytime i came over, you showed me that photo. it was a reminder of you, of us, of our time together. and that picture stayed frozen in my mind for all the years that came after that, and i know it did for you too. it bound us together and it created a special place in the both of our hearts for each other.

i remember smothering you with affection, even as you grew up and moved away, and every point of contact i had with you was drenched in fondness. but the points grew further and further in between and i got busy... and seeing you after all those years, last thanksgiving, was amazing. i'm so glad i forced your dad to drive all that way. and i would've taken the heat for you a million times over when you got in trouble with him... i wish i would've kept up better, but i kept thinking we had time. you got better and i thought you were ok. you were young, you were strong, you had beaten it already. 

you're frozen at 3 years old for me, you always were. and 3 is too young to go already, too fast to leave this party when you just arrived... i think you could tell, right? how proud i was to see you, to know you again... but i'm happy for you, i feel joy for you, because i know how light and free you are right now. and i know you know all my thoughts and love for you, the unspoken ones...

little one, go in peace... the love remains, always... always... we shall meet again soon enough... 

your highest truth

i had an interesting conversation with a friend not that long ago. we were talking about how most men are afraid of being tied down and forced into a commitment, so most often, they're found running away in order to remain "free." and he said that his fellow mates were so silly and they had gotten it all wrong.

"they've just never truly been loved by a woman. because once you've had that, you have no appetite for anyone less." my friend went on to tell me how he had no tolerance for young girls, for stupid games, for anyone afraid of standing in their own full power. he explained that being in a real relationship had actually liberated him, rather than tied him down, because she kept challenging him to become bigger and fuller and more beautiful of a person. "i would not have discovered the depths of myself had she not made me step up. not because she kept provoking me, but because she was so full and aware of herself, that it made me want to match her light."

what does that say about you if you're afraid? afraid of being a man? afraid of a relationship instead of seeking out the liberations of one? why is commitment a bad word, when you wouldn't hesitate to commit to a winning company, a rewarding career, or even a losing sports team? what are you so scared of?

and what does it say about you if you're afraid of being a woman? afraid of unleashing your brightness?     and why are you chasing a "commitment" from someone else when your greatest commitment will always be yourself?

people get confused... i'm seeking light and freedom, that's the end of the story. maybe you'll join me, maybe you'll continue to wander in the shadows... but i promise you, the leap is worth it.

(nyc)

just because

to begin, anew.

and the sun finallllllly rises in my life...

i started a journey, a long loooooong time ago, not knowing what a rabbit hole i would fall into when i opened up a particular book. i had just graduated college, and didn't even know how to ask questions. it had never even crossed my mind to question life and the things that happened within my own because i had lived contentedly, blindly, up until then.

but this book asked me a very clear question that i could not answer: what is the biggest risk you've ever taken?

for some reason, it bothered me, to my core, that i couldn't answer this. and the reason was because i had never taken one, not a true one.

and thus started the process of a thousand steps, incessant searching and questioning, asking why and what, who, how, when, where, time, space, distance, connections, purpose, religion, spirituality, my soul, the universe, reasons - it was endless. what was to be my life path? and how would i get there?

i very quickly realized that i had an enormous appetite for risk, in the quest for answers. i continually threw away the things that society deemed proper, important, necessary, in order to have a "happy" life. i wanted enlightenment, not things to soothe and lull me into complacency.

and then i found it. unexpectedly, in a strange yet exactly perfect way, i met God in italy. it's sounds preposterous to declare something like that so baldly, but through a culminating set of circumstances and an angel in disguise, i literally came face to face with the One. and i became forever changed.

it cemented my faith and my being in such an immovable way, and completely opened up my insides. i saw things from an altogether different perspective. and it was beautiful, the way i could see people and life and circumstances now. no judgements, no unkindnesses, no pettiness. when i could see the world through God's eyes, all i could see was love. perfect love.

but i didn't tell anyone or explain anything to my family and friends. it seemed pointless, and crazy. what did it matter if i had met God or met george clooney? ultimately, what would matter most would be the way i carried myself, the way i treated others, and that my conduct should speak louder than words.

but the trouble with experiencing something like that is that you don't want to go back. i didn't want to be here in this life anymore, because what i had seen beyond was so much more profoundly beautiful. it's like growing up in a desert, then tasting an ice cream sundae for the first time in your life. so i spent the next set of years chasing ice cream in my life in different forms, trying again to live constantly in that light at the end of the tunnel.

i felt as if i could never fully breathe a deep, perfect breath. i wanted so badly to exhale, but nothing felt right. i kept inhaling and inhaling, never to find the right outlet in which to channel all my energies. i wanted it to be acting. i love the craft and art of it, to be able to inhabit different forms and move people to new places and realizations within themselves. and even as i got close or hit the marker sometimes, i never felt 100% secure that it was my calling, the way that some of my other friends just know. it's all they know and their conviction is beautiful.

but all along, i had been writing my entire life. writing for myself turned into writing for others, editing, ghostwriting and even life-coaching and writing therapy. and it so naturally fit me - who i am, how i've been trained and what i've experienced. i could find fulfillment through helping others find their path.

one of my favorite stories growing up was cinderella, like many other little girls. but i never wanted to be the princess, i always wanted to be the fairy godmother. i wanted to be the one to help make people happy and grant tiny wishes with a swipe of a wand. i thought this fairy godmother had the coolest power imaginable, and i had always longed to possess that kind of magic. i believed in it. the power to light up someone else's life by helping them, even if only for a night, and in ways known and unknown.

but sometimes one gets tired. i felt richly rewarded in so many ways, but i also felt drained and mired down with responsibility. i became invested in people and outcomes, and built up expectations. and as i dug deeper into the writing and coaching world, i slowly realized that i felt stuck and exhausted. i knew i had the ideas, the capability and the resources, but i lost the desire. i wanted to do something concrete for myself, not for everyone else.

for as long as i can remember, i've been giving out my time, my ears, my support and benefit of the doubt. not just with writing, but in every area of my life. many times, this made me "dumb" in the eyes of others, like i was some smiling dolt who couldn't read between the lines. it wasn't that i couldn't, but because it didn't matter. in the grand scheme of things, don't you realize how much more you can be? that's the you that i was seeing, even if you didn't know it yourself. i saw your beauty, your love, and it was never about getting anything back. i gave because i alone wanted to. the very act of it made me happy, regardless of your subsequent actions.

but my constant outward focus left little energy for me. and the questions never stopped, they only got louder. if my path was not to follow a life of acting or writing, what was my purpose? why was i still here??

so i decided to throw everything away.

to let it aaaalllllll go. every single thing i've been holding onto, arguing with God as to why i should follow this path or that. i gave up. and i realize now, that this breaking point has been years in the making.

the past few years have been filled with some huge life shifts and tests of my faith, strength and will. many times i felt small and broken, completely vulnerable, fragile and stressed out. other times, i felt light as air and completely immersed in the flow and Oneness of the universe, full of gratitude. they were all flip sides of the same coin. and it didn't matter which side of the line i kept falling on, the only true decision i had to make was this - to let go or not?

it happened very quickly, the firming up of this decision to just let Life take over, one literal cross-country plane ride. and how funny it is, that the exact moment you make peace within yourself is the exact same moment Clarity decides to ride in on a white horse like some knight in shining armor. in a split instant, i felt my calling.

i've had an idea brewing inside of me for a few years, but its proper place in my life was on the very back shelf of my mind. and the moment i decided to throw out everything-everyone-every hope-every expectation-every possible outcome-every half-answer in my life up till this point, my Calling jumped out of the ashes like a rising phoenix. and it feels amazing.

i feel like i can finally breathe again, for the first time in my life, since all those years ago when i first woke up to God's presence. i just feel this perfect clarity and my whole life makes sense, including all the "detours" and pit stops.

it still involves a large degree of my childhood fantasies of being a fairy godmother, but in a newly aligned way that will nourish both me and others. it all feels perfect. it's not about momentum or obstacles or working hard. i just see my path lit up before me, a total natural unfolding of my life's purpose. not to say that other doors are completely closed, but only if it works out down the road in alignment with my overall calling.

i feel such peace within.

now that i know exactly which mountain i'm supposed to climb, i start.

thank you for reading this, i'll see you in a few.

walk in blessing, youri.   

thoughts in my head today

when you are the light, you cannot complain about the darkness. because you could not exist without the darkness in which you contrast yourself against.

you are the source of your world, not the subject of it.

the relationship you have with yourself sets the blueprint, nature and quality of all your other relationships.

love is a state of allowing, not merely being, acting or doing.

you can wrinkle, crumple, stain and even tear a $100 bill and tape it back together, yet it can still buy $100 worth of goods. no value is lost in the wear and tear of daily life. why do people lose confidence in their self-worth if they are not "perfect"?

sometimes you look at the crazies dancing to the beat of their own imaginary drum and declare them fools. but some of them do it long enough with just enough passion and conviction, and somewhere, you start to get convinced.

is it better for two straight lines to intersect at a meeting point, never to meet again, or better for them to run parallel side by side for their entire lives, yet never to touch?

the silence between the notes plays an equally important role in creating a masterpiece symphony.

(nyc)

samsara

the cycle of birth, growth, decline, death... the vastness yet intricacy of humanity, nature, this life, and all the thousands upon thousands of connections. we are one.

(nyc)

dust that sings...

can you listen to this and not tell me that it doesn't alter your perspective?

"heaven bestows rain evenly, but a cup can only hold a cupful, a bowl can only hold a bowlful, and a washbowful can only hold a washbowful..." - from the diamond sutra, monk kim jae woong

(nyc)

submerged

thrown into the deep end
struggling for equilibrium
did i choose this
really
mind: surrender
body: fighting to break surface
waiting for quiet
for peace
for air

meanwhile the mirages beckon
whisper
entice

all i can hear is the sound of my own
breath
heartbeat

searching for signs..

(nyc)

melody

#kateearl

music speaks to one's...

day 268-283

and so it goes and so it goes

when i was younger, i always thought that i was special. that i was somehow exempt from life's curve balls because i was born with a get-out-of-jail-free card and would lead a forever charmed life. that's the beauty of youth and innocence. how sweet and silly i was.

life happens. in big ways, small ways, good ways, and most certainly, bad ways. but - it. does. go. on.

and then i realized - i am special. because i still know how to live a charmed life, how to seek out that innocence and beauty of youth, even as the curve balls aim straight for my body at 90 miles an hour.

because i know how to throw back at 200 miles an hour bitch. so batter up.

(nyc)

je t'aime paris

city of light, of love, of pretty little cakes. mais oui oui!

hercules! hercules!

though all living beings have all different kinds of muscles, mankind has a very special one:

faith.

we forget that it is a muscle. people tend to think of faith as a black-and-white issue, as something you either have or you don't. but that's because people tend to equate faith with religion, when it encompasses soooo much more than that - faith is truly so much more about a man's spirit, about his ability to dream and his will to thrive. it is about learning to take that leap of faith, over and over, most especially when the knees get skinned and they're bleeding profusely.

faith's biggest obstacle? ego. ego loves to swoop in and start distorting the picture, setting up all sorts of smoke and mirrors, and distractions disguised as glamour or pride. faith requires getting to the gym every single day, moment to moment, most especially on the fat tired cranky days - and ego is a big fat chocolate cake washed down with a jumbo bag of cheetos.

don't.

i know it's hard. i know i'm guilty of it too. and that's why i know its damaging effects. and that's also how i found the best way around it - stick low to the ground and just focus on the next goal. let everyone else deal with their demons, and just stick to the grind. it's not glamorous and it's not always fun and it takes a LOT of work. what is the point you ask? so what if my faith becomes as strong as hercules?

ask yourself if it was a waste when you hit the hard bumps and the low moments. what sustains you then?

(nyc)

day 260-267

"grief doesn't change you, it reveals you." - john green

(sketch by egon schiele, an artist i've always been moved by)

butt naked

someone recently asked me when i feel most beautiful.

and i had to think about my answer for awhile. is it a gorgeous dress and killer heels, or a post-glow sweat from yoga? is beautiful the same thing as sexy, confident or powerful? yes, but. while those things encompass beauty, it doesn't quite capture the exact essence for me.

i realized - i feel most beautiful when i am stark naked.

physically naked can be a part of it, but i'm talking about being emotionally, mentally, spiritually, personally vulnerable.

it goes against our natural instinct to protect ourselves, but that is where i find the beauty, in the openness. sometimes i feel like it wasn't my choice. outside circumstances rip me open and tear my defenses down. but even then, in my all-too-human'ness, i find myself rising up and fighting my hardest. it is me at my best, at my worst, at my fullest.

but then there are the times when it's my choice. and i find that i almost always choose the quieter side. true vulnerability is so raw, almost painful, so naked. and therein lies the gorgeousness.

i'll show you mine so show me yours. i want you to see how beautiful i am, how beautiful i can be, but i also want to see you in all your glory and divinity.

open sesame...

(nyc)  

it's ok to be human.

(nyc)

day 217-259

a little bit hard to read because i scribbled this in neon pink marker on my glass desk, but it says:
"those who don't believe in magic will never find it." - roald dahl

believe it.

(nyc)

letting go...

this is briohny smyth, a yoga instructor at equinox in LA, doing acro yoga with her husband, dice iida-klein:

the flow and vulnerability required to do something so graceful, beautiful and perfect as this... this is what she had to say about learning how to let go:

"when i first started learning, my biggest takeaway was that it's really about the base - the person on the bottom - and if you're a strong base, anybody can fly with you. the key is communication with the base - and trust. i could do all of these poses on my own, but i've never been very good at trusting people, which is something that most of us women gain over time - especially when it comes to men. it was a real challenge for both of us to go from singular practices, where we had full control, and release control to one another. it was a really big thing for me because i was a single mom, and i had built my own businesses, so it has always been about having two hands on the wheel. when you're on top in acro yoga, it's all about letting go and trusting one hundred percent, because if you fight back, it's much harder for the base. so, dice and i went through a lot of little tiffs of, "you're doing it wrong - no, you're doing it wrong!" and every single time it always came down to me letting go. and for dice, who has always had a tough time expressing himself, he had to work really hard to master his duty as a base, because he has to be extremely communicative and tell me what he needs, and tell me what he needs from me. so for both of us, it was just the balancing act - balancing not only our bodies, but also our personality issues."

it's inspiring to know that she had to work for it too... so often we see masters do things so fluidly and naturally, and wonder if they ever struggled to achieve such beauty. the answer is yes, and the process... just leap.

(nyc)

loco in the cabeza

this is t.o.p. from the korean kpop group big bang:

i love his hair!! the cut, the color. it looks kind of purplish in this picture, but i liked it when it was super white. i totally want to do this to my hair and have been wanting to do it for awhile now, like a couple years, but my sister thinks i'm crazy. she thinks i should do it... never. i still have big urges though hmm....

although miley cyrus recently chopped off her hair and went platinum and i wouldn't want to look like a copycat. nothing against her though b/c she has a pretty banging body :)

argh... someone distract me before i edward scissorhands the top of my head...

(nyc)

i'm high as a kite and i just might...

these two things make me feel the same way:

riding down park avenue for summer streets, manhattan! everyone else was behind me so it looks empty but it wasn't... leader of the pack, vroom vroom ;) i heart heart heart bike riding...

the open air just makes me feel... giddy. i think that's the exact word. free, open, high, wheeeee!!!!
i am so determined to own a convertible one day :)

i just wanna fly away...

(nyc)

animal style

you know what is so beautiful about animals?

their simplicity.

they live in the now, always, without any awareness of anything but. it's such a pure way of existing. animals don't have fat days or parental issues, they don't worry about finding a girl/boyfriend, and they don't make regular appointments with their therapists nor hair stylists. and they have a lot more hair than us.

when they're hungry, they eat. now.
when they're tired, they sleep. now.
when they feel like having a romp, they have sex. now.

and it works.

animals in the wild don't get sick from stress, have mental issues or question their self-worth. none of that matters, because they just ARE. it has nothing to do with any other animal, and most importantly, they don't get in their own way. each gets enough exercise and food to ensure their own survival, and when the time arrives for them to fold back into the life cycle/food chain/circle of life, it just happens. no tears, no anxiety, just acceptance.

of the now.

so simple, eh?

(nyc)

massive jagged

i love beaches with massive jagged boulders. the more jagged, dark and craggy, the better. there is something so raw about these cracked pieces of stone cold earth, the way time has not eroded their harshness nor softened their edges. no, they stand angry and unmoved by the pleas of the wind and the sea, not giving a shit about anything. they cannot be conquered, they make you feel small, they make you feel mortal. and i love them for it.

(nyc)

grey metal black

f'ing love everything about this picture - the braid, the heavy chain metal jewelry, the colors.. LOVE IT:

grey on grey on grey:

metal studs:

nailed it:

(nyc)

curvature

i find the curves of the human body to be so captivating, something in the hollows that i find totally alluring, sexy and sensual. hipbones, collar bones, cheekbones, shoulders, backs, the way muscles develop and how our bodies are capable of performing so much. i love athlete and dancer bodies in a way that i didn't used to always appreciate before, especially when a person is just lean and strong...

(nyc)

texturized

i love love love texture... it's such a tactile, visual, sensual thing, that speaks to me of the essence of being a living breathing being... we have the ability to be cognizant of such unnoted beauties... so easy to pass by, just a part of the background, but it deeply moves me for some reason, and always has...

love the smell and feel of leather, especially when it gets old and beat up and super soft...

the way cashmere feels against my skin...

the rough and worn hewn of old wood, weathered by time and the outside elements...

the silky softness of oh-so-delicate peonies in full bloom that fall apart with a touch...

the kind of super heavyweight paper that is so thick, you feel bad folding it, or using anything less than a proper ink calligraphy pen on it...

the softness of super bright green moss, the way it absorbs sounds, yet is so vibrant itself...

and old stones that have been stomped on, worn down, rained upon and been exposed... i love the way stones absorb light, heat, cold, history... yet also give off softness and light in its own way, standing the test of time...

these things, these textures, make me immensely happy. they feel substantive to me; massive yet so soft, grounded yet simultaneously ephemeral... that beautiful dynamic of the flow of life...

i want to have a home that i can just texturize the shit out of, and sit there and absorb its light and energy and calm amid my endless stacks of books and tea... :)

(nyc)

remember

do not stand at my grave and weep;
i am not there. i do not sleep.
i am a thousand winds that blow.
i am the diamond glints on snow.
i am the sunlight on ripened grain.
i am the gentle autumn rain.
when you awaken in the morning's hush
i am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
i am the soft stars that shine at night.
do not stand at my grave and cry;
i am not there. i did not die.

(nyc)

sludge

do you ever feel like sludge
where you don't wanna do anything
move
be
and you're so lost that all you can do is sit there
and breathe
and the little voices inside your head
chitter chatter
with the stupidest things
that have nothing to do with
what you should really be thinking about
but it's too hard
so you just
instead
do nothing
surf the net
watch tv
eat too much
go outside
get distracted
and meanwhile
the hole grows bigger.

yeah, me neither.

(nyc)

one for me, one for you

this is an animal highway, so that they can cross safely too. brilliant.

day 210-216

you see in others what you are yourself.

city of angels

i feel so peaceful whenever i'm here, just totally immersed in the flow...

incredibly blessed, yes.

(beverly hills, los angeles)