ONE LOVE.
xoxo youri
(washington dc)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
thank you 2011
it's been a beautiful, ever-changing, ever-expanding journey...
ONE LOVE.
xoxo youri
(washington dc)
ONE LOVE.
xoxo youri
(washington dc)
Monday, December 26, 2011
resort of maraschino flavored cooling towels
sigh... i miss this place, especially at christmas :)
(washington dc)
(washington dc)
Friday, December 23, 2011
so effing proud
of my brother. for multiple reasons.
for his recent promotion, for how hard he works, for his generosity, for his integrity of character.
but most of all, for his deep and genuine understanding of love.
today, he blew me away on a whole new level and it made me realize how big of a man he is, in the fullest sense of the word.
ddk, you're a fucking rock star.
(nyc)
for his recent promotion, for how hard he works, for his generosity, for his integrity of character.
but most of all, for his deep and genuine understanding of love.
today, he blew me away on a whole new level and it made me realize how big of a man he is, in the fullest sense of the word.
ddk, you're a fucking rock star.
(nyc)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
i like it crunchy
snow blankets
air sharp crisp
night fall stars
pure silence
glitter sun
i can hear my own breath...
(nyc)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
i'm fucking matt damon!
i love him, sooo want to work with him :)
and of course, jimmy kimmel's hilarious response:
and another oldie but goodie from jimmy kimmel:
was reading on article on matt damon earlier today and remembered the video he did with sarah silverman a few years back. if i had to pick an ocean's guy, he would be it :D
(nyc)
and of course, jimmy kimmel's hilarious response:
and another oldie but goodie from jimmy kimmel:
was reading on article on matt damon earlier today and remembered the video he did with sarah silverman a few years back. if i had to pick an ocean's guy, he would be it :D
(nyc)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
f(x) calculus and juicers and life
what do these three things have in common? a lot more than you might think.
whatever you put in is what you get out.
i'm sure you already get the message. but for some reason, people get so confused when they put in a shit variable and expect a good outcome. you put in crap fruit, you get crap juice. you put in the best, nicest fruit and you get healthier, more delicious juice. simple, really. and it only takes one bad apple to ruin the batch.
so stop feeding negativity and doubts and stresses into your life, and really focus on feeding your mind/body/soul with light and joy and beauty. you'll be amazed at the results.
(nyc)
remember functions in high school calculus? here's a very simple one:
basically, your end result would be a function of whatever variable you put in the first place.
and then there's juicers:
whatever you put in is what you get out.
i'm sure you already get the message. but for some reason, people get so confused when they put in a shit variable and expect a good outcome. you put in crap fruit, you get crap juice. you put in the best, nicest fruit and you get healthier, more delicious juice. simple, really. and it only takes one bad apple to ruin the batch.
so stop feeding negativity and doubts and stresses into your life, and really focus on feeding your mind/body/soul with light and joy and beauty. you'll be amazed at the results.
(nyc)
newton's 3rd, part ii
newton's third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. in my interpretation, i understood this to mean that all things are one, and that one force cannot exist without its counterbalance, i.e. light cannot exist without dark. the yin and yang of life.
the more i thought of it though, i realized that there can be further extrapolations from newton's law. remember the children's playground taunt, "i'm rubber, you're glue, whatever i say bounces off me and sticks to you"? it's what you would use when someone called you stupid or something mean. it's not quite the same, but the general idea of this rhyme holds a lot of truth.
whatever you give is what you receive.
the interesting thing about newton's law is that it happens in the same moment. as i push down on the keys of this keyboard, they are equally pushing back at me. as i give love in this moment to x/y/z, i am also receiving love unto myself. this is the key - all too often, we look for answers outside ourselves, rather than realizing our own power. we are already complete and whole, we don't need someone or something else on the outside to confirm or affirm our beauty. our souls did not come with parts missing or broken bits. what comes from the outside can help our wholenesses to grow and to expand our comprehensions, but we are, and always have been, fully capable of giving and receiving love in equal capacity of our own volition. in that same way, we must also be careful of own power to hate or hurt others. in effect, we are hating or hurting our own selves because the source is one and the same.
another thought i was pondering last night was this: according to the physics of this law, as i am asking for something, the answer is already existing. by my mere bringing forth of the request, i am also giving birth to its counterbalance. so that means i never have to worry, because everything that i want is always created in fullness. so why aren't the answers always instant or why do the answers sometimes stink?
i think that's why we need to not lose faith, be careful and be specific in our requests, and to not pollute our vibrations with negative thoughts. it slows things down and mutates the answer. we cannot expect a good positive outcome when we spew out negativity and darkness to begin with, or mix that in somewhere in the process. and we must recognize that we are constantly asking for things, even if we don't realize it. many times they are not even conscious thoughts, but in our conditioned emotional responses, which is why it is so important to be positive. it is a muscle to be trained like any other. we must make our requests in good faith and hold steady for the good outcome.
because this is not just gibberish, but an actual proven physical law of the universe, as put forth by isaac newton, one of the most revered scientists of all time.
(nyc)
whatever you give is what you receive.
the interesting thing about newton's law is that it happens in the same moment. as i push down on the keys of this keyboard, they are equally pushing back at me. as i give love in this moment to x/y/z, i am also receiving love unto myself. this is the key - all too often, we look for answers outside ourselves, rather than realizing our own power. we are already complete and whole, we don't need someone or something else on the outside to confirm or affirm our beauty. our souls did not come with parts missing or broken bits. what comes from the outside can help our wholenesses to grow and to expand our comprehensions, but we are, and always have been, fully capable of giving and receiving love in equal capacity of our own volition. in that same way, we must also be careful of own power to hate or hurt others. in effect, we are hating or hurting our own selves because the source is one and the same.
another thought i was pondering last night was this: according to the physics of this law, as i am asking for something, the answer is already existing. by my mere bringing forth of the request, i am also giving birth to its counterbalance. so that means i never have to worry, because everything that i want is always created in fullness. so why aren't the answers always instant or why do the answers sometimes stink?
i think that's why we need to not lose faith, be careful and be specific in our requests, and to not pollute our vibrations with negative thoughts. it slows things down and mutates the answer. we cannot expect a good positive outcome when we spew out negativity and darkness to begin with, or mix that in somewhere in the process. and we must recognize that we are constantly asking for things, even if we don't realize it. many times they are not even conscious thoughts, but in our conditioned emotional responses, which is why it is so important to be positive. it is a muscle to be trained like any other. we must make our requests in good faith and hold steady for the good outcome.
because this is not just gibberish, but an actual proven physical law of the universe, as put forth by isaac newton, one of the most revered scientists of all time.
(nyc)
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
oh kermie...
got called in for another voiceover job (yay!), but seeing as that i'm sick and sound like:
the producer rescinded the job offer (boo!). so i've resorted to talking to myself just to keep myself entertained. might as well have fun with this, right?
that's right, i sound like a damn sexy frog. lick me miss piggy.
(nyc)
the producer rescinded the job offer (boo!). so i've resorted to talking to myself just to keep myself entertained. might as well have fun with this, right?
that's right, i sound like a damn sexy frog. lick me miss piggy.
(nyc)
Sunday, December 11, 2011
newton's third law of motion
in my previous posts earlier this year, i wrote about how physics and newton's first law and second law of motions apply to real life. here's my take on #3:
for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.
for some reason, this whole concept fascinated me when i first learned about it in high school. my physics teacher explained that if we were pushing up against a wall, the wall was equally pushing back at us. it made for a funny image in my head that totally captivated me for some unknown reason and has stuck with me for all these years.
i think it must have been because it's something that we all inherently understand, even as little kids. for example, if you hit someone on the playground, they're going to hit you right back!
but on a bigger picture scale, newton's concept is interesting because it implies that nothing can exist without its equal and opposite force. there can be no light without dark. there can be no joy without pain. there can be no laughter without tears. it is only through the co-existence of pairs that these life forces can even exist in the first place. yet how often do we only cherish and pursue one-half of that equation? we always only want the "good" stuff, but the reality is that we have to accept the wholeness. because ultimately, it is all one and the same.
and therein newton's third law of motion, is proof yet again of life's simplest philosophy ---
be. here. now.
just breathe.
"the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" - kalil gibran
next up, calculus.
(nyc)
for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.
for some reason, this whole concept fascinated me when i first learned about it in high school. my physics teacher explained that if we were pushing up against a wall, the wall was equally pushing back at us. it made for a funny image in my head that totally captivated me for some unknown reason and has stuck with me for all these years.
i think it must have been because it's something that we all inherently understand, even as little kids. for example, if you hit someone on the playground, they're going to hit you right back!
but on a bigger picture scale, newton's concept is interesting because it implies that nothing can exist without its equal and opposite force. there can be no light without dark. there can be no joy without pain. there can be no laughter without tears. it is only through the co-existence of pairs that these life forces can even exist in the first place. yet how often do we only cherish and pursue one-half of that equation? we always only want the "good" stuff, but the reality is that we have to accept the wholeness. because ultimately, it is all one and the same.
and therein newton's third law of motion, is proof yet again of life's simplest philosophy ---
be. here. now.
just breathe.
"the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?" - kalil gibran
next up, calculus.
(nyc)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
intimacy
please
don't judge me
for my face
nor my body
because of the car i drive
or the zip code i live in
because of my current job
or bank account balance
for my age
race
gender
belief system
please
don't judge
my past
my present
my future
look at my
soul
then tell me again what you just wanted to say
because i really want to be able to hear you
without being afraid of getting hurt
(nyc)
don't judge me
for my face
nor my body
because of the car i drive
or the zip code i live in
because of my current job
or bank account balance
for my age
race
gender
belief system
please
don't judge
my past
my present
my future
look at my
soul
then tell me again what you just wanted to say
because i really want to be able to hear you
without being afraid of getting hurt
(nyc)
gone fishing
whenever i go snorkeling, the little kid in me always wants to catch a fish with my bare hands, even though i know it's next to impossible.
it's maddening, they're so sneaky, those slippery little suckers...
and the more i chase them, the further away they swim. yet if i manage to stay still long enough, they'll swim around me, allowing me to appreciate their colorful beauty. i don't know why i feel such a need to grab and touch them. weird instinct, eh? yet i know we all feel it, as humans.
why do we chase things so hard, and feel a need to grab and hold onto them? why is this our first instinct, instead of allowing the beauty to come to us? sometimes, every once in a blue moon, we do capture the fish. we capture the moment, the goal, the prize. and it's so satisfying, yet one moment we have it, and the next, it's gone.
i don't know why i keep expecting that life will not be fleeting and ephemeral. i keep thinking that if i can just hold onto this moment of knowingness, it will last for all my life. that i can hold onto that peace and calm and place of nonresistance. but the current always changes and the seas never remain still for long.
so what's a snorkeler to do?
learning, and relearning, every single day. how to swim with the flow, how to breathe still, how to let the fish come to me, how to notice the colors...
(nyc)
it's maddening, they're so sneaky, those slippery little suckers...
and the more i chase them, the further away they swim. yet if i manage to stay still long enough, they'll swim around me, allowing me to appreciate their colorful beauty. i don't know why i feel such a need to grab and touch them. weird instinct, eh? yet i know we all feel it, as humans.
why do we chase things so hard, and feel a need to grab and hold onto them? why is this our first instinct, instead of allowing the beauty to come to us? sometimes, every once in a blue moon, we do capture the fish. we capture the moment, the goal, the prize. and it's so satisfying, yet one moment we have it, and the next, it's gone.
i don't know why i keep expecting that life will not be fleeting and ephemeral. i keep thinking that if i can just hold onto this moment of knowingness, it will last for all my life. that i can hold onto that peace and calm and place of nonresistance. but the current always changes and the seas never remain still for long.
so what's a snorkeler to do?
learning, and relearning, every single day. how to swim with the flow, how to breathe still, how to let the fish come to me, how to notice the colors...
(nyc)
today i am especially grateful for
daily hot showers
for sharing this very meaningful video with me:
the yummy homemade pasta i had for lunch
my family, both blood and beyond
free international calls on skype and texts through whatsapp
my clean bed
and a special thank you to
for sharing this very meaningful video with me:
grazie mille caro tesoro, sempre :)
(nyc)
snow white and the huntsman
can't wait to see this, totally my kind of movie on so many levels...
have a major crush on the lead... yeah charlize. chris hemsworth ain't so bad either :)
(nyc)
have a major crush on the lead... yeah charlize. chris hemsworth ain't so bad either :)
(nyc)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
but
it's like we're all made of stitching, held together by these tiny miniscule invisible seams, and every time someone or something hurts us, one of those stitches bursts and it stings, but it's momentary and it heals with time.
and then sometimes there are those life events that just completely rip you open and gut you from head to toe. and you're bleeding and bleeding and nothing can contain the pain because it's too much all at once and all the seams are destroyed and there's nothing there to hold you together anymore. what happens then? how do you put yourself back together and how much time does it take?
some people never recover. some do a horrible job of putting themselves back in one piece, looking like a semblance of themselves on the outside, but completely disfigured on the inside. they shrivel up to life, they shrink and become bitter, cynical, hardened. but there are others...
the truth is, it happens to all of us, all the time. sometimes it happens suddenly, bloodily, painfully. sometimes we die a thousand tiny deaths over and over again. but it's called life and it's called growing up. we all bear the scars, the wounds.
it takes time, but i promise promise promise it is possible to become light again. when you're plunged into the massive currents of a rip tide and you have no idea which way is up or down and you're drowing - it's ok. it's ok to be lost there, it's ok to drown there. it's ok to give up there.
because a time will come, when you will slowly start to float up to the surface. you will find the glimmer of light and it will be fleeting and faint, but... there is a but. you have to choose the but. because all that you thought that you lost, is not. there's more. there's beyond. and it'll take time, but you have to keep choosing the buts, slowly.
i'll be waiting.
(nyc)
and then sometimes there are those life events that just completely rip you open and gut you from head to toe. and you're bleeding and bleeding and nothing can contain the pain because it's too much all at once and all the seams are destroyed and there's nothing there to hold you together anymore. what happens then? how do you put yourself back together and how much time does it take?
some people never recover. some do a horrible job of putting themselves back in one piece, looking like a semblance of themselves on the outside, but completely disfigured on the inside. they shrivel up to life, they shrink and become bitter, cynical, hardened. but there are others...
the truth is, it happens to all of us, all the time. sometimes it happens suddenly, bloodily, painfully. sometimes we die a thousand tiny deaths over and over again. but it's called life and it's called growing up. we all bear the scars, the wounds.
it takes time, but i promise promise promise it is possible to become light again. when you're plunged into the massive currents of a rip tide and you have no idea which way is up or down and you're drowing - it's ok. it's ok to be lost there, it's ok to drown there. it's ok to give up there.
because a time will come, when you will slowly start to float up to the surface. you will find the glimmer of light and it will be fleeting and faint, but... there is a but. you have to choose the but. because all that you thought that you lost, is not. there's more. there's beyond. and it'll take time, but you have to keep choosing the buts, slowly.
i'll be waiting.
(nyc)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
in place of
in place of all your hurt, i am covering it with my well wishes for you
in place of all your anger, i am covering it with future happinesses for you
in place of all your sorrow, i am covering it with love for you
i can't imagine
what it must be like
to be in your shoes
but for as long as you need
in place of all your darkness, i will cover it with light for you
until you find that place too...
(nyc)
in place of all your anger, i am covering it with future happinesses for you
in place of all your sorrow, i am covering it with love for you
i can't imagine
what it must be like
to be in your shoes
but for as long as you need
in place of all your darkness, i will cover it with light for you
until you find that place too...
(nyc)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
fly higher
i love airports and plane rides. traveling always excites me, even if i'm tired because i've been up all night (which somehow always happens to be the case). i love the motion and flow of everything swirling around me.
one thing i realized this trip is that no matter what's happening down there, on earth - it could be rain, thunderstorms, snow, nighttime, etc. - that once the plane starts to climb higher and higher - it is always sunny once we break through the clouds. the brightness never goes anywhere, no matter what's happening down below. it's just a matter of lifting ourselves high enough to be in the light. hmm....
(somewhere b/t ord>ewr)
one thing i realized this trip is that no matter what's happening down there, on earth - it could be rain, thunderstorms, snow, nighttime, etc. - that once the plane starts to climb higher and higher - it is always sunny once we break through the clouds. the brightness never goes anywhere, no matter what's happening down below. it's just a matter of lifting ourselves high enough to be in the light. hmm....
(somewhere b/t ord>ewr)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
scary as sh*t
today my cousin took me to a shooting range and i shot a glock.
it's incredibly scary. the noise, the flying bullet parts, the kickback, all of it. i was so nervous that i kept sweating, and i never sweat due to nerves. when you actually hold a real handgun and feel the force as you fire even just a single shot... i felt flooded. vulnerability, fear, nervousness, out of control, raw. all my senses felt heightened beyond because i was being so careful, so focused.
interestingly, my cousin said it makes him feel in control and powerful. maybe that comes with time, but for my first time, i was absolutely terrified. i felt so exposed.
it's nothing like the movies or video games or paintball. they make it look so easy. i can't believe the difference between what it looks like on screen and what it feels like in your hands. COMPLETELY different.
the only way i could hit my shots was to slow down, breathe very deeply, let it all fully out, including my hardwired instinct to flinch, and then follow through with the action. i never fully realized the power of my breath until today. nor how quickly something that can end your life instantly can make you feel so exposed and raw. it gave me a lot to think about.
(chicago)
it's incredibly scary. the noise, the flying bullet parts, the kickback, all of it. i was so nervous that i kept sweating, and i never sweat due to nerves. when you actually hold a real handgun and feel the force as you fire even just a single shot... i felt flooded. vulnerability, fear, nervousness, out of control, raw. all my senses felt heightened beyond because i was being so careful, so focused.
interestingly, my cousin said it makes him feel in control and powerful. maybe that comes with time, but for my first time, i was absolutely terrified. i felt so exposed.
it's nothing like the movies or video games or paintball. they make it look so easy. i can't believe the difference between what it looks like on screen and what it feels like in your hands. COMPLETELY different.
the only way i could hit my shots was to slow down, breathe very deeply, let it all fully out, including my hardwired instinct to flinch, and then follow through with the action. i never fully realized the power of my breath until today. nor how quickly something that can end your life instantly can make you feel so exposed and raw. it gave me a lot to think about.
(chicago)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
writer crush
today i had the honor of attending a special screening and Q&A of martin scorsese's newest film, hugo:
the trailer does not do this film justice... it's magical, please go see it!! the opening shot is amazing, and the set is fantastic (apparently they actually built the whole entire train station!). there's something about old paris that really resonates with me, and fantasy movies in general, where the setting plays an enormous role in creating dream worlds. the film made me fall even more deeply in love with the magic of moviemaking.
the entire cast was present, as was the screenwriter, john logan. what a stud. i got to meet and talk to him! i felt giddy. i'm pretty sure i was smiling a little too big. kind of like the time i was bowled over by john hodgman, another studly writer. maybe i have a thing for johns.
(nyc) :D
the trailer does not do this film justice... it's magical, please go see it!! the opening shot is amazing, and the set is fantastic (apparently they actually built the whole entire train station!). there's something about old paris that really resonates with me, and fantasy movies in general, where the setting plays an enormous role in creating dream worlds. the film made me fall even more deeply in love with the magic of moviemaking.
the entire cast was present, as was the screenwriter, john logan. what a stud. i got to meet and talk to him! i felt giddy. i'm pretty sure i was smiling a little too big. kind of like the time i was bowled over by john hodgman, another studly writer. maybe i have a thing for johns.
(nyc) :D
Saturday, November 19, 2011
yup yup
"be humble for you are made of earth, be noble for you are made of stars."
- serbian proverb
(nyc)
- serbian proverb
(nyc)
Friday, November 18, 2011
mutilated corn
was scrolling through my old pixx and came across this:
a friend of mine from tokyo came to visit over the summer, and her five-year-old son and i decided to share a corn on the cob during lunch. i told him i would take my bites after he was done with it first.
this is what he hands me.
apparently, my friends are raising a chipmunk, not a human being.
(nyc) :)
a friend of mine from tokyo came to visit over the summer, and her five-year-old son and i decided to share a corn on the cob during lunch. i told him i would take my bites after he was done with it first.
this is what he hands me.
apparently, my friends are raising a chipmunk, not a human being.
(nyc) :)
cosmic sequence
from terence malick's "tree of life"
(watch it full screen...)
how can one watch this and not feel... something...
(nyc)
(watch it full screen...)
how can one watch this and not feel... something...
(nyc)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
raw
this past week i got to film the lead role for an amazing character... but three days after, i feel so emotionally fucked up after inhabiting all her emotions that i can't stop crying for no reason at all. the character is dealing with the repercussions of emotional and physical abuse, and as an actress, i feel lucky to have gotten the chance to play a character of such depth. but on a personal level, i can't shake it off... my real life is nothing like the character's, but i feel like i got ripped open somehow. i feel small and fragile, raw and broken... my heart just feels like it's bleeding, slowly... and it hurts. it really hurts.
(nyc)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
game changer
sometimes you manage to be in the right place at the right time in your life, and you can just feel it.
you get to participate in something that you just know is about to change your momentum going forward.
thank you to the amaaaaaazing crew i had the honor of working with this week, down to every single last PA. you guys made it possible for me to shine, and i couldn't have done it without all your seriously hard work.
super excited to see the rough cut already... :)
(nyc)
you get to participate in something that you just know is about to change your momentum going forward.
thank you to the amaaaaaazing crew i had the honor of working with this week, down to every single last PA. you guys made it possible for me to shine, and i couldn't have done it without all your seriously hard work.
super excited to see the rough cut already... :)
(nyc)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
specificity
today i had another stunt choreography rehearsal for a role that i'll be filming soon. i never realized exactly how very specific all these movements have to be. it's been an eye-opening, bruise-inducing experience for me so far, but i'm loving all of it. i'm learning so much about intention, being specific and being centered within my body and my emotions, and it's making me realize - it's just like the writing and editing work that i do, only this is all physical. and then i realized - actually, it's just like all of life, period.
sometimes, you just need to experience things in a different way to illuminate your spirit.
learning.
(nyc)
sometimes, you just need to experience things in a different way to illuminate your spirit.
learning.
(nyc)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
immense
i just feel immense right now.
my heart feels swollen with love, with pride, with beauty
with gratitude.
this this this!! is what it's all about
creation in the highest.
(times square)
my heart feels swollen with love, with pride, with beauty
with gratitude.
this this this!! is what it's all about
creation in the highest.
(times square)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
unconditional
means i want the best for you
that i want you to be happy
that i want you to look good
that i want you to shine
so that i can stand in the presence of your light
please don't let your ego or your pride or your fear
block that
what is the point of being so beautiful
if you've got no one to share it with
and no one to appreciate you?
(nyc)
that i want you to be happy
that i want you to look good
that i want you to shine
so that i can stand in the presence of your light
please don't let your ego or your pride or your fear
block that
what is the point of being so beautiful
if you've got no one to share it with
and no one to appreciate you?
(nyc)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
a sister's eulogy for steve jobs
I grew up as an only child, with a single mother. Because we were poor and because I knew my father had emigrated from Syria, I imagined he looked like Omar Sharif. I hoped he would be rich and kind and would come into our lives (and our not yet furnished apartment) and help us. Later, after I’d met my father, I tried to believe he’d changed his number and left no forwarding address because he was an idealistic revolutionary, plotting a new world for the Arab people.
Even as a feminist, my whole life I’d been waiting for a man to love, who could love me. For decades, I’d thought that man would be my father. When I was 25, I met that man and he was my brother.
By then, I lived in New York, where I was trying to write my first novel. I had a job at a small magazine in an office the size of a closet, with three other aspiring writers. When one day a lawyer called me — me, the middle-class girl from California who hassled the boss to buy us health insurance — and said his client was rich and famous and was my long-lost brother, the young editors went wild. This was 1985 and we worked at a cutting-edge literary magazine, but I’d fallen into the plot of a Dickens novel and really, we all loved those best. The lawyer refused to tell me my brother’s name and my colleagues started a betting pool. The leading candidate: John Travolta. I secretly hoped for a literary descendant of Henry James — someone more talented than I, someone brilliant without even trying.
When I met Steve, he was a guy my age in jeans, Arab- or Jewish-looking and handsomer than Omar Sharif.
We took a long walk — something, it happened, that we both liked to do. I don’t remember much of what we said that first day, only that he felt like someone I’d pick to be a friend. He explained that he worked in computers.
I didn’t know much about computers. I still worked on a manual Olivetti typewriter.
I told Steve I’d recently considered my first purchase of a computer: something called the Cromemco.
Steve told me it was a good thing I’d waited. He said he was making something that was going to be insanely beautiful.
I want to tell you a few things I learned from Steve, during three distinct periods, over the 27 years I knew him. They’re not periods of years, but of states of being. His full life. His illness. His dying.
Steve worked at what he loved. He worked really hard. Every day.
That’s incredibly simple, but true.
He was the opposite of absent-minded.
He was never embarrassed about working hard, even if the results were failures. If someone as smart as Steve wasn’t ashamed to admit trying, maybe I didn’t have to be.
When he got kicked out of Apple, things were painful. He told me about a dinner at which 500 Silicon Valley leaders met the then-sitting president. Steve hadn’t been invited.
He was hurt but he still went to work at Next. Every single day.
Novelty was not Steve’s highest value. Beauty was.
For an innovator, Steve was remarkably loyal. If he loved a shirt, he’d order 10 or 100 of them. In the Palo Alto house, there are probably enough black cotton turtlenecks for everyone in this church.
He didn’t favor trends or gimmicks. He liked people his own age.
His philosophy of aesthetics reminds me of a quote that went something like this: “Fashion is what seems beautiful now but looks ugly later; art can be ugly at first but it becomes beautiful later.”
Steve always aspired to make beautiful later.
He was willing to be misunderstood.
Uninvited to the ball, he drove the third or fourth iteration of his same black sports car to Next, where he and his team were quietly inventing the platform on which Tim Berners-Lee would write the program for the World Wide Web.
Steve was like a girl in the amount of time he spent talking about love. Love was his supreme virtue, his god of gods. He tracked and worried about the romantic lives of the people working with him.
Whenever he saw a man he thought a woman might find dashing, he called out, “Hey are you single? Do you wanna come to dinner with my sister?”
I remember when he phoned the day he met Laurene. “There’s this beautiful woman and she’s really smart and she has this dog and I’m going to marry her.”
When Reed was born, he began gushing and never stopped. He was a physical dad, with each of his children. He fretted over Lisa’s boyfriends and Erin’s travel and skirt lengths and Eve’s safety around the horses she adored.
None of us who attended Reed’s graduation party will ever forget the scene of Reed and Steve slow dancing.
His abiding love for Laurene sustained him. He believed that love happened all the time, everywhere. In that most important way, Steve was never ironic, never cynical, never pessimistic. I try to learn from that, still.
Steve had been successful at a young age, and he felt that had isolated him. Most of the choices he made from the time I knew him were designed to dissolve the walls around him. A middle-class boy from Los Altos, he fell in love with a middle-class girl from New Jersey. It was important to both of them to raise Lisa, Reed, Erin and Eve as grounded, normal children. Their house didn’t intimidate with art or polish; in fact, for many of the first years I knew Steve and Lo together, dinner was served on the grass, and sometimes consisted of just one vegetable. Lots of that one vegetable. But one. Broccoli. In season. Simply prepared. With the just the right, recently snipped, herb.
Even as a young millionaire, Steve always picked me up at the airport. He’d be standing there in his jeans.
When a family member called him at work, his secretary Linetta answered, “Your dad’s in a meeting. Would you like me to interrupt him?”
When Reed insisted on dressing up as a witch every Halloween, Steve, Laurene, Erin and Eve all went wiccan.
They once embarked on a kitchen remodel; it took years. They cooked on a hotplate in the garage. The Pixar building, under construction during the same period, finished in half the time. And that was it for the Palo Alto house. The bathrooms stayed old. But — and this was a crucial distinction — it had been a great house to start with; Steve saw to that.
This is not to say that he didn’t enjoy his success: he enjoyed his success a lot, just minus a few zeros. He told me how much he loved going to the Palo Alto bike store and gleefully realizing he could afford to buy the best bike there.
And he did.
Steve was humble. Steve liked to keep learning.
Once, he told me if he’d grown up differently, he might have become a mathematician. He spoke reverently about colleges and loved walking around the Stanford campus. In the last year of his life, he studied a book of paintings by Mark Rothko, an artist he hadn’t known about before, thinking of what could inspire people on the walls of a future Apple campus.
Steve cultivated whimsy. What other C.E.O. knows the history of English and Chinese tea roses and has a favorite David Austin rose?
He had surprises tucked in all his pockets. I’ll venture that Laurene will discover treats — songs he loved, a poem he cut out and put in a drawer — even after 20 years of an exceptionally close marriage. I spoke to him every other day or so, but when I opened The New York Times and saw a feature on the company’s patents, I was still surprised and delighted to see a sketch for a perfect staircase.
With his four children, with his wife, with all of us, Steve had a lot of fun.
He treasured happiness.
Then, Steve became ill and we watched his life compress into a smaller circle. Once, he’d loved walking through Paris. He’d discovered a small handmade soba shop in Kyoto. He downhill skied gracefully. He cross-country skied clumsily. No more.
Eventually, even ordinary pleasures, like a good peach, no longer appealed to him.
Yet, what amazed me, and what I learned from his illness, was how much was still left after so much had been taken away.
I remember my brother learning to walk again, with a chair. After his liver transplant, once a day he would get up on legs that seemed too thin to bear him, arms pitched to the chair back. He’d push that chair down the Memphis hospital corridor towards the nursing station and then he’d sit down on the chair, rest, turn around and walk back again. He counted his steps and, each day, pressed a little farther.
Laurene got down on her knees and looked into his eyes.
“You can do this, Steve,” she said. His eyes widened. His lips pressed into each other.
He tried. He always, always tried, and always with love at the core of that effort. He was an intensely emotional man.
I realized during that terrifying time that Steve was not enduring the pain for himself. He set destinations: his son Reed’s graduation from high school, his daughter Erin’s trip to Kyoto, the launching of a boat he was building on which he planned to take his family around the world and where he hoped he and Laurene would someday retire.
Even ill, his taste, his discrimination and his judgment held. He went through 67 nurses before finding kindred spirits and then he completely trusted the three who stayed with him to the end. Tracy. Arturo. Elham.
One time when Steve had contracted a tenacious pneumonia his doctor forbid everything — even ice. We were in a standard I.C.U. unit. Steve, who generally disliked cutting in line or dropping his own name, confessed that this once, he’d like to be treated a little specially.
I told him: Steve, this is special treatment.
He leaned over to me, and said: “I want it to be a little more special.”
Intubated, when he couldn’t talk, he asked for a notepad. He sketched devices to hold an iPad in a hospital bed. He designed new fluid monitors and x-ray equipment. He redrew that not-quite-special-enough hospital unit. And every time his wife walked into the room, I watched his smile remake itself on his face.
For the really big, big things, you have to trust me, he wrote on his sketchpad. He looked up. You have to.
By that, he meant that we should disobey the doctors and give him a piece of ice.
None of us knows for certain how long we’ll be here. On Steve’s better days, even in the last year, he embarked upon projects and elicited promises from his friends at Apple to finish them. Some boat builders in the Netherlands have a gorgeous stainless steel hull ready to be covered with the finishing wood. His three daughters remain unmarried, his two youngest still girls, and he’d wanted to walk them down the aisle as he’d walked me the day of my wedding.
We all — in the end — die in medias res. In the middle of a story. Of many stories.
I suppose it’s not quite accurate to call the death of someone who lived with cancer for years unexpected, but Steve’s death was unexpected for us.
What I learned from my brother’s death was that character is essential: What he was, was how he died.
Tuesday morning, he called me to ask me to hurry up to Palo Alto. His tone was affectionate, dear, loving, but like someone whose luggage was already strapped onto the vehicle, who was already on the beginning of his journey, even as he was sorry, truly deeply sorry, to be leaving us.
He started his farewell and I stopped him. I said, “Wait. I’m coming. I’m in a taxi to the airport. I’ll be there.”
“I’m telling you now because I’m afraid you won’t make it on time, honey.”
When I arrived, he and his Laurene were joking together like partners who’d lived and worked together every day of their lives. He looked into his children’s eyes as if he couldn’t unlock his gaze.
Until about 2 in the afternoon, his wife could rouse him, to talk to his friends from Apple.
Then, after awhile, it was clear that he would no longer wake to us.
His breathing changed. It became severe, deliberate, purposeful. I could feel him counting his steps again, pushing farther than before.
This is what I learned: he was working at this, too. Death didn’t happen to Steve, he achieved it.
He told me, when he was saying goodbye and telling me he was sorry, so sorry we wouldn’t be able to be old together as we’d always planned, that he was going to a better place.
Dr. Fischer gave him a 50/50 chance of making it through the night.
He made it through the night, Laurene next to him on the bed sometimes jerked up when there was a longer pause between his breaths. She and I looked at each other, then he would heave a deep breath and begin again.
This had to be done. Even now, he had a stern, still handsome profile, the profile of an absolutist, a romantic. His breath indicated an arduous journey, some steep path, altitude.
He seemed to be climbing.
But with that will, that work ethic, that strength, there was also sweet Steve’s capacity for wonderment, the artist’s belief in the ideal, the still more beautiful later.
Steve’s final words, hours earlier, were monosyllables, repeated three times.
Before embarking, he’d looked at his sister Patty, then for a long time at his children, then at his life’s partner, Laurene, and then over their shoulders past them.
Steve’s final words were:
OH WOW. OH WOW. OH WOW.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
to the left
that's all it took
just one breath that way
for everything to shift
and clear up
all the meaningless
you shine so bright
without even knowing it
and You
You
are a whole other story
the only story
that matters
(nyc)
just one breath that way
for everything to shift
and clear up
all the meaningless
you shine so bright
without even knowing it
and You
You
are a whole other story
the only story
that matters
(nyc)
Monday, October 17, 2011
autumn in nyc
nothing beats nyc in the fall.
the air gets slightly chilly and crispy, but the sun still shines so warmly, and everything starts becoming textured... leather, cashmere, wool, chunky sweaters, knee-high boots... i like the way the colors change too... pumpkin, cranberry, golden hues. it's all so warm, cozy and intimate, but the skies are still blue and there is a feeling of anticipation in the air. i don't know why or for what - maybe the holidays? - but there is this sensation of movement and a flurry of activity. i love it.
happy youri ^_^
(union square, heart of manhattan) :D
the air gets slightly chilly and crispy, but the sun still shines so warmly, and everything starts becoming textured... leather, cashmere, wool, chunky sweaters, knee-high boots... i like the way the colors change too... pumpkin, cranberry, golden hues. it's all so warm, cozy and intimate, but the skies are still blue and there is a feeling of anticipation in the air. i don't know why or for what - maybe the holidays? - but there is this sensation of movement and a flurry of activity. i love it.
happy youri ^_^
(union square, heart of manhattan) :D
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
superbass!!
so i've been loving nicki minaj for awhile now, and wishing i could flow like she does. then this little girl totally shows up the rest of the world with this and blows up youtube this week:
loooooove it!!!
then, today on ellen, we get this!!
NAILED IT!
fffffff'ing aaaaawwwwwesommmme!!!! makes me happy ^_^
(nyc)
loooooove it!!!
then, today on ellen, we get this!!
NAILED IT!
fffffff'ing aaaaawwwwwesommmme!!!! makes me happy ^_^
(nyc)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
the spaces in between
earlier this year, i arrived into the virgin air terminal at SFO and noticed an art installation hanging above my head:
the artist's name is janet echelman, and when i looked her up, i found that she had started doing these voluminous, huge, billowing installations all over the world:
what i noticed about her art is the way it draws your attention to previously empty air, and the way that the netting newly defines space. before she put up her creation, no one noticed the emptiness. it was just where the sky was, or where the ceiling was. but then she puts something up, and suddenly there are things that you couldn't see before, come to life - the air, the wind, the sheer space. and all it took was a mere visual to make us sit up and notice. but it's not as if all that was not there before, we just didn't pay attention.
aren't there so many things in life that work in this exact same way?
pay attention - be present - there are so many things you're missing just b/c the visual is not there. but it still exists, in a very real way.
(nyc)
the artist's name is janet echelman, and when i looked her up, i found that she had started doing these voluminous, huge, billowing installations all over the world:
what i noticed about her art is the way it draws your attention to previously empty air, and the way that the netting newly defines space. before she put up her creation, no one noticed the emptiness. it was just where the sky was, or where the ceiling was. but then she puts something up, and suddenly there are things that you couldn't see before, come to life - the air, the wind, the sheer space. and all it took was a mere visual to make us sit up and notice. but it's not as if all that was not there before, we just didn't pay attention.
aren't there so many things in life that work in this exact same way?
pay attention - be present - there are so many things you're missing just b/c the visual is not there. but it still exists, in a very real way.
(nyc)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
amorphous
according to the merriam webster dictionary:
1. a. having no definite form: shapeless
b. being without definite character or nature: unclassifiable
c. lacking organization or unity
2. having no real or apparent crystalline form
synonyms: formless, shapeless, unformed, unshaped, unstructured
my current inner state. not sure how i feel about that. peaceful and calm on one hand. a little unmoored on the other.
it's windy in here.
(nyc)
1. a. having no definite form: shapeless
b. being without definite character or nature: unclassifiable
c. lacking organization or unity
2. having no real or apparent crystalline form
synonyms: formless, shapeless, unformed, unshaped, unstructured
my current inner state. not sure how i feel about that. peaceful and calm on one hand. a little unmoored on the other.
it's windy in here.
(nyc)
Monday, October 3, 2011
happiness
we are naturally hard-wired for happiness, did you know that?
what's keeping you from yours?
hard-wired for happiness
(nyc)
what's keeping you from yours?
hard-wired for happiness
(nyc)
Saturday, October 1, 2011
"i love you because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth." - paulo coelho, the aleph
how can time exist when my 4am here is your 4pm somewhere else in the world, at the same moment? and how can separation exist when there is both no space and all the space between us? there is no difference between you and me, no difference between now and tomorrow.
love is. vibration.
(nyc)
how can time exist when my 4am here is your 4pm somewhere else in the world, at the same moment? and how can separation exist when there is both no space and all the space between us? there is no difference between you and me, no difference between now and tomorrow.
love is. vibration.
(nyc)
suspended.
it's a funny thing to me, whenever i'm on a plane. i feel like i'm in a moment of suspended animation, neither here nor there, literally hovering in the air between a past and future. airplane rides always make me feel vulnerable for some reason. i'm in this place of transition, in territory that is simultaneously familiar yet unfamiliar. i know airports, i even know specific airports very well. i know the intimate cocoon of my seat, the same way that i always curl up, and my routine of swaddling up with my scarf, socks and hot tea. yet every time, it's a new adventure. who will i meet? who will sit next to me? what new things will i see and learn? travel has a way of knocking you off your feet. nothing is home, so you become extra aware, your sensitivity becomes heightened, and in that temporary space of hours and time zones, i find out new things about myself, about others, about the world. i love it. it's why i like traveling so much, why i love airports. all these people are rushing to and from one place to another, but for a moment, we are all intersecting and crossing paths and in transition. it's quite a remarkable thing.
sometimes it feels good to just come home. but what is home? where is it? i've been traveling for so long now, that i don't even know. even when i come home to manhattan, and it is home, it always takes me a few days to adjust back to the energy flow here. i always feel displaced both going and coming.
i've learned to become comfortable with that place of in-between. i treasure it actually. it's all life really is, ultimately. we never are truly in that one place that we think that we are. we are not our pasts, nor are we quite yet our futures.
that only leaves the now. eternally in that place of neither here nor there, but exactly right at home, in this very moment.
it's all i have.
just breathe.
sometimes it feels good to just come home. but what is home? where is it? i've been traveling for so long now, that i don't even know. even when i come home to manhattan, and it is home, it always takes me a few days to adjust back to the energy flow here. i always feel displaced both going and coming.
i've learned to become comfortable with that place of in-between. i treasure it actually. it's all life really is, ultimately. we never are truly in that one place that we think that we are. we are not our pasts, nor are we quite yet our futures.
that only leaves the now. eternally in that place of neither here nor there, but exactly right at home, in this very moment.
it's all i have.
just breathe.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
my soul
it has no age. it is not 24, 35 or 62.
it has no skin color. it does not have a job title. it does have an "education", short of knowing its own self. its awareness is its highest education.
my soul is not defined by what it has and what it does not have, for it is already whole, already full, already complete.
it needs no thing. no one. it only seeks to expand, to be light, to be beautiful.
my soul is merely a
state of being.
my state of being.
and i choose, in this moment and always, to be joyful.
that is all. simple.
be. joy.
(malibu)
it has no skin color. it does not have a job title. it does have an "education", short of knowing its own self. its awareness is its highest education.
my soul is not defined by what it has and what it does not have, for it is already whole, already full, already complete.
it needs no thing. no one. it only seeks to expand, to be light, to be beautiful.
my soul is merely a
state of being.
my state of being.
and i choose, in this moment and always, to be joyful.
that is all. simple.
be. joy.
(malibu)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
happy song!
got a nice little surprise in my inbox that made me smile!
here's a music video directed by a dear friend of mine, the infamous sundance director michael kang (i watched his film "the motel" before meeting him - please watch this beautiful film!!):
beautiful voice, love the realistic NY vibe and i know the guy with the guitar too! louis changchien - i'll plug him too :) great actor, was in predators with adrien brody and laurence fishburne and also on the up and up!
enjoy! ^_^
(silverlake, LA)
here's a music video directed by a dear friend of mine, the infamous sundance director michael kang (i watched his film "the motel" before meeting him - please watch this beautiful film!!):
beautiful voice, love the realistic NY vibe and i know the guy with the guitar too! louis changchien - i'll plug him too :) great actor, was in predators with adrien brody and laurence fishburne and also on the up and up!
enjoy! ^_^
(silverlake, LA)
Friday, September 9, 2011
thank you
today is just a simple thank you post. so many wonderful and amazing things, events, places and people have been entering my life in just this past week alone. my gut said be here, i am, and it was totally right.
loving los angeles.
(DTLA)
loving los angeles.
(DTLA)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
work.
one day, a king was called to the very edges of his kingdom, for a large treasure chest had been found in the fields by a lowly farmer. he took two members of the royal court with him, to act as his advisors.
indeed, the treasure chest held a vast and dazzling sum, comparable in wealth to the sum of several royal advisors' households.
the king asked, "if i were to bestow this treasure upon you, what would you do?"
the first royal advisor declared, "i would build a palace in your honor and host lavish parties every night, so that everyone would know of your greatness and generosity."
the second royal advisor, not to be outdone, declared, "i would build a grand castle with a central courtyard, housing a monument in your likeness, encrusted with jewels and gold, so that people from near and far would speak of your magnificence."
to the surprise and indignation of the royal advisors, the king then turned and asked the lowly farmer, "and if i were to bestow this treasure upon you, what would you do?"
the farmer straightened up, looked the king directly in the eye, and simply said, "work."
and the wise king replied, "so it shall be done."
the treasure was left in the care of the farmer, who then used it to develop and care for the land and other peasants. the edges of the kingdom flourished under her care, as she taught her children and the villagers' children to care for the land as well.
and back in the central courtyard of the wise king's castle, unbeknownst to her, a beautiful statue of the humble farmer was erected in her honor.
- youri
(DTLA)
indeed, the treasure chest held a vast and dazzling sum, comparable in wealth to the sum of several royal advisors' households.
the king asked, "if i were to bestow this treasure upon you, what would you do?"
the first royal advisor declared, "i would build a palace in your honor and host lavish parties every night, so that everyone would know of your greatness and generosity."
the second royal advisor, not to be outdone, declared, "i would build a grand castle with a central courtyard, housing a monument in your likeness, encrusted with jewels and gold, so that people from near and far would speak of your magnificence."
to the surprise and indignation of the royal advisors, the king then turned and asked the lowly farmer, "and if i were to bestow this treasure upon you, what would you do?"
the farmer straightened up, looked the king directly in the eye, and simply said, "work."
and the wise king replied, "so it shall be done."
the treasure was left in the care of the farmer, who then used it to develop and care for the land and other peasants. the edges of the kingdom flourished under her care, as she taught her children and the villagers' children to care for the land as well.
and back in the central courtyard of the wise king's castle, unbeknownst to her, a beautiful statue of the humble farmer was erected in her honor.
- youri
(DTLA)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
blue in green
ok, to redeem myself - here's one of my favorite songs, ever - blue in green by the iconic miles davis.
no matter how many times i listen to this song, every single time it moves me inside to a different place...
(nyc)
no matter how many times i listen to this song, every single time it moves me inside to a different place...
(nyc)
Monday, August 29, 2011
dance dance!
i have the musical tastes of a teenage girl :D
actually, scratch that. not even a teenage girl, but maybe more like a tween. should i be embarrassed? but i honestly love this stuff ^_^ (in my defense, the last video of hilary duff in the lizzie maguire movie was filmed in rome, which was the whole reason i watched the movie to begin with, b/c i was homesick after having just moved out of there!)
enjoy! :D
(nyc)
actually, scratch that. not even a teenage girl, but maybe more like a tween. should i be embarrassed? but i honestly love this stuff ^_^ (in my defense, the last video of hilary duff in the lizzie maguire movie was filmed in rome, which was the whole reason i watched the movie to begin with, b/c i was homesick after having just moved out of there!)
enjoy! :D
(nyc)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
help
"we do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children." - native american proverb
why do some people not believe in global warming? our planet is really not doing well these days. it's sick and yet some refuse to acknowledge this as fact. this week i felt my entire building shake as an earthquake hit manhattan. how is this normal in nyc? and now the entire east coast is bracing for an extreme hurricane making its way up from the bahamas this weekend.
the one-after-another impact of all these global fires, mudslides, earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis is sending a clear signal that the earth needs help, yet people continue to consume and waste our planet's resources voraciously. it's something that i have become so conscious of, yet i feel that my personal actions are miniscule against the overwhelmingness of it all. it makes me sad.
i love trees. magnolias, oak, bamboo, cypress, lemon, weeping willows. it sounds funny, but sometimes i'll pass a tree and think to myself "wow, that's a good-looking tree" as if i just saw a hot girl or a nice car. and i'll stop to check out its leaves and trunk, and maybe take a picture or just remember its location. and i think of how long it took for that tree to grow, all those years, particularly because i love big, substantial trees. trees give so much of themselves. oxygen, shade, flowers, a place for treehouses, icicle holders, a purpose for tire swings. even in death, they give paper and furniture and create warmth in a fireplace. but they're disappearing, so quickly now.
in an avalanche, every snowflake claims innocence. maybe what each of does is so small, but what we each do can also be so big.
(nyc)
why do some people not believe in global warming? our planet is really not doing well these days. it's sick and yet some refuse to acknowledge this as fact. this week i felt my entire building shake as an earthquake hit manhattan. how is this normal in nyc? and now the entire east coast is bracing for an extreme hurricane making its way up from the bahamas this weekend.
the one-after-another impact of all these global fires, mudslides, earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis is sending a clear signal that the earth needs help, yet people continue to consume and waste our planet's resources voraciously. it's something that i have become so conscious of, yet i feel that my personal actions are miniscule against the overwhelmingness of it all. it makes me sad.
i love trees. magnolias, oak, bamboo, cypress, lemon, weeping willows. it sounds funny, but sometimes i'll pass a tree and think to myself "wow, that's a good-looking tree" as if i just saw a hot girl or a nice car. and i'll stop to check out its leaves and trunk, and maybe take a picture or just remember its location. and i think of how long it took for that tree to grow, all those years, particularly because i love big, substantial trees. trees give so much of themselves. oxygen, shade, flowers, a place for treehouses, icicle holders, a purpose for tire swings. even in death, they give paper and furniture and create warmth in a fireplace. but they're disappearing, so quickly now.
in an avalanche, every snowflake claims innocence. maybe what each of does is so small, but what we each do can also be so big.
(nyc)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
blech
sick sick sick
bad summer cold
my head is pounding, my body is aching, my nose is stuffed and the writing deadlines are piling up on top of me. plus i turned down 4 days of commercial work?!
tried going to the office today to write but my officemates kicked me out. with good reason.
ack. something good better be brewing out there for me. yeah, i'm talking to you God.
(nyc)
bad summer cold
my head is pounding, my body is aching, my nose is stuffed and the writing deadlines are piling up on top of me. plus i turned down 4 days of commercial work?!
tried going to the office today to write but my officemates kicked me out. with good reason.
ack. something good better be brewing out there for me. yeah, i'm talking to you God.
(nyc)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
old korea + new korea
the human body - the human soul - is capable of amazing creations when you demand the best of its abilities.
inspiration in motion:
(nyc)
inspiration in motion:
(nyc)
disappointment
i realize now that my expectations were unrealistic
in thinking that you were above being human
above the fray
my disappointment is my own fault
but i respected and
admired
you
for so long
you helped me grow so much
and opened up my path
in ways previously unimaginable
and then to realize
that you were not only susceptible
to vanity and superego
but that it was your driving force
behind all that otherworldly success
disguised behind all those words
all those beautiful words
i feel a bit foolish now
yet i can't fault you
you are allowed to be human too
just like them
just like me
and so i start again
with a renewed understanding
that being human
never stopped anyone from changing the world
and so
i
learn
again
(nyc)
in thinking that you were above being human
above the fray
my disappointment is my own fault
but i respected and
admired
you
for so long
you helped me grow so much
and opened up my path
in ways previously unimaginable
and then to realize
that you were not only susceptible
to vanity and superego
but that it was your driving force
behind all that otherworldly success
disguised behind all those words
all those beautiful words
i feel a bit foolish now
yet i can't fault you
you are allowed to be human too
just like them
just like me
and so i start again
with a renewed understanding
that being human
never stopped anyone from changing the world
and so
i
learn
again
(nyc)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
guts guts guts!!!
in one of the ramona quimby books, there's a chapter where ramona gets so upset that she threatens to say a bad word. she's in such a bad mood that she actually does it. she screws up her face, stomps her feet and then yells - "guts guts GUTS!!!"
i remember being horrified when i read that. i couldn't believe she actually said it! i was seven years old, and i totally remember feeling that guts was actually a very bad word! she might as well have said fuck, if i had known that word back then. how could beverly cleary have been so tapped into the average child's mind that she understood the gravity of such a word at that point in life? funny. hilarious actually. and amazing.
i have absolutely no utter idea why in the world i thought guts was such a bad word. but it couldn't have been just me who felt that way - the author knew enough to know that it would resonate with all kids. maybe that was a more innocent time back then. today's children seem to grow up without the same kind of naivety and wonder that i had.
how is it though, that guts was ever such a bad word? it's ironic that even now, as adults, it still seems to be a bad word. maybe more like an ignored word.
a human being is made up of more than just his mind or his heart. there's actually a third, even more essential part of a human soul - and that's the guts. it's that visceral reaction, that little voice in the back of the head, that tingling sensation of awareness. your guts should speak louder, scream louder, than any other internal compass you've got, but for some reason, we're taught to bury it and ignore it and even doubt its existence. that's not just a shame - it's wrong.
your gut will ALWAYS point you in the right direction. you know it, deep down, but maybe you're scared or you're not ready, so you give precedence to your emotions or to your logic.
don't.
cultivate your guts. listen to them. nurture them. follow them. have the courage to believe in them.
because they will always guide you to your highest calling.
FUCKING GUTS.
(nyc)
Friday, August 12, 2011
BEAUTIFUL!!!
i had forgotten what truly clean air smells like!! it never smells like this in manhattan!!
sometimes certain smells bring me right back to certain places and moments. like super polluted air brings me right back to korea or asuncion :) but when i smell really super clean air like today, it actually reminds me of dallas on nice spring days. must be all the open space out there. i think the air in manhattan gets clogged up in between all the buildings and there's not enough fresh air circulating through. and just open clean air is different than what it smells like by the ocean with the salt or in a forest with all the trees and moss.
after a lot of heat and humidity, we had a really hard rain in new york the other day. and yesterday and today has been magical with the breeze and sunshine. it just makes me feel so incredibly happy, content and at peace with my life!! i've been feeling that way lately anyway and the weather just reflects perfectly what i feel on the inside.
la vita e bella! ^_^
(nyc)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)