the spaces in between

earlier this year, i arrived into the virgin air terminal at SFO and noticed an art installation hanging above my head:

the artist's name is janet echelman, and when i looked her up, i found that she had started doing these voluminous, huge, billowing installations all over the world:

what i noticed about her art is the way it draws your attention to previously empty air, and the way that the netting newly defines space. before she put up her creation, no one noticed the emptiness. it was just where the sky was, or where the ceiling was. but then she puts something up, and suddenly there are things that you couldn't see before, come to life - the air, the wind, the sheer space. and all it took was a mere visual to make us sit up and notice. but it's not as if all that was not there before, we just didn't pay attention.

aren't there so many things in life that work in this exact same way?

pay attention - be present - there are so many things you're missing just b/c the visual is not there. but it still exists, in a very real way.

(nyc)

amorphous

according to the merriam webster dictionary:

1. a. having no definite form: shapeless
b. being without definite character or nature: unclassifiable
c. lacking organization or unity

2. having no real or apparent crystalline form

synonyms: formless, shapeless, unformed, unshaped, unstructured

my current inner state. not sure how i feel about that. peaceful and calm on one hand. a little unmoored on the other.

it's windy in here.

(nyc)

happiness

we are naturally hard-wired for happiness, did you know that?

what's keeping you from yours?

hard-wired for happiness

(nyc)

"i love you because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth." - paulo coelho, the aleph

how can time exist when my 4am here is your 4pm somewhere else in the world, at the same moment? and how can separation exist when there is both no space and all the space between us? there is no difference between you and me, no difference between now and tomorrow.

love is. vibration.

(nyc)

suspended.

it's a funny thing to me, whenever i'm on a plane. i feel like i'm in a moment of suspended animation, neither here nor there, literally hovering in the air between a past and future. airplane rides always make me feel vulnerable for some reason. i'm in this place of transition, in territory that is simultaneously familiar yet unfamiliar. i know airports, i even know specific airports very well. i know the intimate cocoon of my seat, the same way that i always curl up, and my routine of swaddling up with my scarf, socks and hot tea. yet every time, it's a new adventure. who will i meet? who will sit next to me? what new things will i see and learn? travel has a way of knocking you off your feet. nothing is home, so you become extra aware, your sensitivity becomes heightened, and in that temporary space of hours and time zones, i find out new things about myself, about others, about the world. i love it. it's why i like traveling so much, why i love airports. all these people are rushing to and from one place to another, but for a moment, we are all intersecting and crossing paths and in transition. it's quite a remarkable thing.
sometimes it feels good to just come home. but what is home? where is it? i've been traveling for so long now, that i don't even know. even when i come home to manhattan, and it is home, it always takes me a few days to adjust back to the energy flow here. i always feel displaced both going and coming.
i've learned to become comfortable with that place of in-between. i treasure it actually. it's all life really is, ultimately. we never are truly in that one place that we think that we are. we are not our pasts, nor are we quite yet our futures.
that only leaves the now. eternally in that place of neither here nor there, but exactly right at home, in this very moment.
it's all i have.
just breathe.

my soul

it has no age. it is not 24, 35 or 62.
it has no skin color. it does not have a job title. it does have an "education", short of knowing its own self. its awareness is its highest education.
my soul is not defined by what it has and what it does not have, for it is already whole, already full, already complete.
it needs no thing. no one. it only seeks to expand, to be light, to be beautiful.
my soul is merely a
state of being.
my state of being.
and i choose, in this moment and always, to be joyful.
that is all. simple.
be. joy.

(malibu)

a father's love

the silence of love...

(LA)

happy song!

got a nice little surprise in my inbox that made me smile!

here's a music video directed by a dear friend of mine, the infamous sundance director michael kang (i watched his film "the motel" before meeting him - please watch this beautiful film!!):

beautiful voice, love the realistic NY vibe and i know the guy with the guitar too! louis changchien - i'll plug him too :) great actor, was in predators with adrien brody and laurence fishburne and also on the up and up!

enjoy! ^_^

(silverlake, LA)

thank you

today is just a simple thank you post. so many wonderful and amazing things, events, places and people have been entering my life in just this past week alone. my gut said be here, i am, and it was totally right.

loving los angeles.

(DTLA)

work.

one day, a king was called to the very edges of his kingdom, for a large treasure chest had been found in the fields by a lowly farmer. he took two members of the royal court with him, to act as his advisors.

indeed, the treasure chest held a vast and dazzling sum, comparable in wealth to the sum of several royal advisors' households.

the king asked, "if i were to bestow this treasure upon you, what would you do?"

the first royal advisor declared, "i would build a palace in your honor and host lavish parties every night, so that everyone would know of your greatness and generosity."

the second royal advisor, not to be outdone, declared, "i would build a grand castle with a central courtyard, housing a monument in your likeness, encrusted with jewels and gold, so that people from near and far would speak of your magnificence."

to the surprise and indignation of the royal advisors, the king then turned and asked the lowly farmer, "and if i were to bestow this treasure upon you, what would you do?"

the farmer straightened up, looked the king directly in the eye, and simply said, "work."

and the wise king replied, "so it shall be done."

the treasure was left in the care of the farmer, who then used it to develop and care for the land and other peasants. the edges of the kingdom flourished under her care, as she taught her children and the villagers' children to care for the land as well.

and back in the central courtyard of the wise king's castle, unbeknownst to her, a beautiful statue of the humble farmer was erected in her honor.

- youri

(DTLA)

signs

:)

(los angeles)

do you remember your first love?

(los angeles)

blue in green

ok, to redeem myself - here's one of my favorite songs, ever - blue in green by the iconic miles davis.

no matter how many times i listen to this song, every single time it moves me inside to a different place...

(nyc)

dance dance!

i have the musical tastes of a teenage girl :D

actually, scratch that. not even a teenage girl, but maybe more like a tween. should i be embarrassed? but i honestly love this stuff ^_^  (in my defense, the last video of hilary duff in the lizzie maguire movie was filmed in rome, which was the whole reason i watched the movie to begin with, b/c i was homesick after having just moved out of there!)

enjoy! :D

(nyc)

help

"we do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children." - native american proverb

why do some people not believe in global warming? our planet is really not doing well these days. it's sick and yet some refuse to acknowledge this as fact. this week i felt my entire building shake as an earthquake hit manhattan. how is this normal in nyc? and now the entire east coast is bracing for an extreme hurricane making its way up from the bahamas this weekend.

the one-after-another impact of all these global fires, mudslides, earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis is sending a clear signal that the earth needs help, yet people continue to consume and waste our planet's resources voraciously. it's something that i have become so conscious of, yet i feel that my personal actions are miniscule against the overwhelmingness of it all. it makes me sad.

i love trees. magnolias, oak, bamboo, cypress, lemon, weeping willows. it sounds funny, but sometimes i'll pass a tree and think to myself "wow, that's a good-looking tree" as if i just saw a hot girl or a nice car. and i'll stop to check out its leaves and trunk, and maybe take a picture or just remember its location. and i think of how long it took for that tree to grow, all those years, particularly because i love big, substantial trees. trees give so much of themselves. oxygen, shade, flowers, a place for treehouses, icicle holders, a purpose for tire swings. even in death, they give paper and furniture and create warmth in a fireplace. but they're disappearing, so quickly now.

in an avalanche, every snowflake claims innocence. maybe what each of does is so small, but what we each do can also be so big.

(nyc)

blech

sick sick sick

bad summer cold

my head is pounding, my body is aching, my nose is stuffed and the writing deadlines are piling up on top of me. plus i turned down 4 days of commercial work?!

tried going to the office today to write but my officemates kicked me out. with good reason.

ack. something good better be brewing out there for me. yeah, i'm talking to you God.

(nyc)

old korea + new korea

the human body - the human soul - is capable of amazing creations when you demand the best of its abilities.

inspiration in motion:

(nyc)

disappointment

i realize now that my expectations were unrealistic
in thinking that you were above being human
above the fray
my disappointment is my own fault
but i respected and
admired
you
for so long
you helped me grow so much
and opened up my path
in ways previously unimaginable
and then to realize
that you were not only susceptible
to vanity and superego
but that it was your driving force
behind all that otherworldly success
disguised behind all those words
all those beautiful words
i feel a bit foolish now
yet i can't fault you
you are allowed to be human too
just like them
just like me
and so i start again
with a renewed understanding
that being human
never stopped anyone from changing the world
and so
i
learn
again

(nyc)

guts guts guts!!!

in one of the ramona quimby books, there's a chapter where ramona gets so upset that she threatens to say a bad word. she's in such a bad mood that she actually does it. she screws up her face, stomps her feet and then yells - "guts guts GUTS!!!"

i remember being horrified when i read that. i couldn't believe she actually said it! i was seven years old, and i totally remember feeling that guts was actually a very bad word! she might as well have said fuck, if i had known that word back then. how could beverly cleary have been so tapped into the average child's mind that she understood the gravity of such a word at that point in life? funny. hilarious actually. and amazing.

i have absolutely no utter idea why in the world i thought guts was such a bad word. but it couldn't have been just me who felt that way - the author knew enough to know that it would resonate with all kids. maybe that was a more innocent time back then. today's children seem to grow up without the same kind of naivety and wonder that i had.

how is it though, that guts was ever such a bad word? it's ironic that even now, as adults, it still seems to be a bad word. maybe more like an ignored word.

a human being is made up of more than just his mind or his heart. there's actually a third, even more essential part of a human soul - and that's the guts. it's that visceral reaction, that little voice in the back of the head, that tingling sensation of awareness. your guts should speak louder, scream louder, than any other internal compass you've got, but for some reason, we're taught to bury it and ignore it and even doubt its existence. that's not just a shame - it's wrong.

your gut will ALWAYS point you in the right direction. you know it, deep down, but maybe you're scared or you're not ready, so you give precedence to your emotions or to your logic. 

don't.

cultivate your guts. listen to them. nurture them. follow them. have the courage to believe in them.

because they will always guide you to your highest calling.

FUCKING GUTS.

(nyc)

BEAUTIFUL!!!

i had forgotten what truly clean air smells like!! it never smells like this in manhattan!!

sometimes certain smells bring me right back to certain places and moments. like super polluted air brings me right back to korea or asuncion :) but when i smell really super clean air like today, it actually reminds me of dallas on nice spring days. must be all the open space out there. i think the air in manhattan gets clogged up in between all the buildings and there's not enough fresh air circulating through. and just open clean air is different than what it smells like by the ocean with the salt or in a forest with all the trees and moss.

after a lot of heat and humidity, we had a really hard rain in new york the other day. and yesterday and today has been magical with the breeze and sunshine. it just makes me feel so incredibly happy, content and at peace with my life!! i've been feeling that way lately anyway and the weather just reflects perfectly what i feel on the inside.

la vita e bella! ^_^

(nyc)

happy birthday

i didn't ask for you, but i'll say it again. God could not have given me a better sister. considering my lack of choice in the matter, i hit the lottery when it came to siblings. it's not just your love and support and the way we've grown together over the years, but it's totally about who you are, the choices you make that make you YOU and your bright pink energy star sparkle :) sometimes i think you forget how shiny you can be, but your smile always says it all. i love it when you're happy and i want nothing more than for you to fully realize your own power and beauty - today and everyday. you will always raise my stock, be my partner in crime, one-half of my jju-jju-ppa :D i love you like cookie monster belongs on cupcakes.

(nyc)

diary

i asked God for a full life, not realizing that it also meant that it would not be easy.

there is truth to the statement that ignorance is bliss. some people just float through life, choosing to avoid the darknesses. there's nothing wrong with that.

but it's not full, and it's not complete.

i realized, this past week, that were it not for the darkest pits, i would not know how bright life could be.

i'm blessed because i receive what i ask for, in unimaginable magnitudes. both sides.

in one week, i felt the whole range. 

i felt small, raw, shredded, bleeding, alone.

i felt peaceful, connected, rewarded, loved.

and then it starts again.

every day.

new.

and i choose for it to be full.

(nyc)

el amor despues

el amor despues
del amor tal vez
se parezca a este rayo del sol
y ahora que busque
y ahora que encontre
el perfume que lleva al dolor
en la esencia de las almas
en la ausencia del dolor
ahora se que ya no puedo
vivir sin tu amor

(washington dc)

one year.

(nyc)

what's a flashmob?

this is what my brazilian friend asks me.

this, my friend, is a flashmob:

para voce, para o amor - eu sou a menina de azul ;D

(nyc)

mi piace questa canzone

love this song, had forgotten about it :)

oppio by rossomalpelo  <-- click me!

(nyc)

one love

(nyc)

extraordinary men

ya: it''s been a long, long time since i've met someone like you, who is tapped so beautifully into life with such effervescence and ease. you have every reason to be full of yourself, but i don't think thoughts like that even occur to you. i love your open-mindedness, your recognition of the value and substance of a true woman, and your presence. it's refreshing and you made me feel again something i had forgotten - what it's like when you meet someone who shows you the best of this world. you do it without effort and i love that. plus i like your french accent :)

mr: despite time, distance and the fact that i only talk to you about twice a year, i feel so grateful for our enduring connection and the friendship that we share. i love your probing nature, your natural pursuit of inner reflection and your gentle approach towards asking the big questions of life. i'm incredibly happy for you that you're in a state of surrender/equilibrium, that you've got the love and support of an amazing partner you respect and that you're still striving, learning, embracing. i always recognize the artist in you - it's just in your approach to life, not even necessarily the things that you're writing or creating - and it's a beautiful thing to see. it makes me truly glad that we're friends.

after a long stretch of dryness, it's nice to have dinner with people who renew your faith in the potential beauty of humanity. these guys live and breathe it fully, every day.

and they don't even know it.

(nyc)

one

this video comes closest to explaining my innermost core and who i truly am.

(nyc)

triste

i am trying to ignore the hole, but it's not working.

embracing it didn't work either.

i'm tired.

(nyc)

mfceo

i've always loved danny mcbride. check out the latest viral vid, it's hilarious!

brilliance in marketing, i have to give it up to k-swiss for taking the risk.

(nyc)

fairy tales

"and when all the world had fallen asleep, that's when she came alive with her heart beating thunderously and her wings flapping furiously. the winds spoke lullabies to her but she would have none of it. "the moon is mine," she cried as she rose to the heavens. the clouds rearranged themselves in her presence, for her ephemeral light drove them mad with fantasies. she left a faint aroma of sonatas in her wake as she collected chains of falling stars. she wasn't a fairy. she was dream."

(nyc)

in my head

grab somebody sexy tell'em hey!
my mosquito bites are itching like craaaazy
i don't like snobby people
the basil from citarella is beautiful
is that weird to think that
sleepy & fighting the urge to have coffee
everyone's waiting for me at the pool but i'm still trying to answer work emails
shared an emergency ramen with my best friend for lunch
need to stop procrastinating
5 year olds have an insane amount of energy
grab somebody sexy tell'em hey!

(the hamptons)

if

if you didn't know who my friends were
if you didn't know how i really spend my time
if you didn't know how i grew up
if you didn't know where i went to school
if you didn't know where i've been in the world

would you still talk to me?

or would you write me off
b/c i'm doing something that makes me happy
but you think is beneath you

i can tell the difference between
a fake attitude
and a real smile

and i would love for you to get off your pedestal
b/c we could share some cool stories and make each other laugh

but this is the 6th/7th/8th/9th time you've disappointed me
and i don't want to have to name-drop
just to get your attention

(nyc)

a simple request

one of the things i love about writing here is that i get readers from all around the world (i.e. the isle of man - wow!). it blows my mind to realize that i am connected to a random person i will never meet just b/c i put my thoughts out there.

so by the same token, i'd love to put an intention/request out there as well.

the next time you come across a homeless person, please stop to ask their name. ask them what they'd like to eat from the nearest place around and buy them a hot meal. we're all human, we all get hungry and we all deserve a break every now and then.

today i met a toothless woman named jeanie. she reeked of cigarettes and wore big chunky costume jewelry. she had on a dirty striped tank top and she was digging through the trash at the shake shack, looking for leftovers. everyone flocks to this place in NY b/c their burgers are so yummy, and trust me, there are no leftovers.

i wasn't moved to sadness or anger at the indignity. i just simply thought, she deserves a good meal and to enjoy the beautiful weather, just like everyone else.

just. like. everyone. else.

we are all human, right?

so i'd love to know that someone hungry in the world got fed b/c i put my intentions out there. i'm not telling you this to showoff or brag that i'm some holy do-gooder, so please, please don't take it that way.

i'm merely asking, one human being to another - let's just make this one moment brighter b/c it's really simple.

thank you.

(nyc)

pure unadulterated JOY.

when was the last time you felt this?

i'm not talking about just a really good fantastic day, but the last time you felt something completely shift or open up inside of you, even if only for a split second, and you just felt so connected, so free, and so pure in that moment? like you were immersed in the current of life and you just could be everything, anything and nothing all at the same time.

care to share?

(nyc)

salty genius

this guy can do with salt, what i can't even do with pencil...
props to you, sir.

(nyc)

kermit style

make sure to watch all the way to the end :D

(nyc)

vandals

bathroom graffiti at think coffee on 4th ave @ 12th st :)

zoom in, close up:

(nyc)

gleeful

6 things i'm grateful for right this very moment:

1) it's nice and cool in my room. there's a nice breeze on my legs coming off my lovely little green retro fan :)

2) i just finished a monster marathon 19 hr. writing streak and i actually feel good about it

3) i'm going a special preview screening for the new transformers movie in a couple of hours and i'm ridiculously little-kid excited

4) my fridge is full of good stuff

5) i discovered how much i love chilling out on my awesome fire escape at sunset

6) i've gotten so many unexpected offers & invitations for work and meetings this past week that my schedule can't keep up

wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

(nyc)

crush

"it's just that i don't want to be somebody's crush. if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am. and i don't want them to carry it around inside. i want them to show me, so i can feel it too."
- stephen chbosky, the perks of being a wallflower

(nyc)

don't answer the question before it is asked.

it is, seriously, SO fucking cool when someone suddenly becomes real to you, you know?

when the person is open enough to have a *connected* conversation with you, and they are actually present in the moment with you.

no assumptions
no pigeonholing
no dismissals

no ego
no. fear.

are you like that? honestly?

(nyc)

no fear

i want to know the one who is not afraid to

be love

to give it, breathe it, receive it, return it, become it

to be so full within
that it spills out and splashes onto
me, you, others, the sidewalk

that this one is so secure in
beingness
oneness
that there is no room for ego
nor games
nor anything less than
perfect
whole

l
o
v
e


(nyc)

cuteness personified

my sister's dog is so adorable, i can't stand it.

(nyc)

circadian rhythms

i have such weird, odd dreams.

last night i dreamt that the world's population had been split according to circadian rhythms. there was no concept of 9-5 because it was just a matter of what your normal cycle was.

the world was on 24/7, although there were no more watches to mark the time. people chose to mark the passage of time by the rhythm of their bodies in alignment with either the sun or the moon.

however, the world was very distinctly split into rhythmic categories and you had to stick within your own category and could not cross over into opposite territory. it was a way for the government to keep control. so a person who was normally most awake from noon to midnight could never interact with someone who was most awake from midnight to noon. apparently the government had some massive scheme going on to keep everyone awake and happy during their most productive hours.

but then a boy accidentally meets a girl with his opposite circadian rhythm, and he knows they are forbidden to see each other. if he makes the effort to change his natural course, everything will become disrupted and start to cause ripple effects. but he has fallen in love with her, so he doesn't care and things start to go awry.

and then i woke up.

a lot of times,  actually most of the time, my ideas for movies/scripts/writing come from my dreams. i don't know where this stuff comes from. well, i know this particular dream came about b/c i'm stressing about my current sleeping schedule. i feel guilty for not being up and productive during "normal" working hours, but i'm up and productive while everyone else is asleep. i've always been this way, but i've noticed that a lot of artists and creative types are also like me. is that a justification? we tend to hold late-night vampire hours, work at a furious pace for a sustained period of time, and then crash and burn into a deep sleep.

but so often, during my deep sleeps, i go on these incredible journeys in my mind and i try and remember as much as possible when i'm on the edge of consciousness. it fuels a lot of my creativity and i revel in it. the heart and mind can go so many more places than the body can. but i still wrestle with the guilt...

(nyc)

love changes everything

watch this, you won't regret it:

beautiful.

(nyc)

positivity

daddy mosquito sent baby mosquito out into the world for his first flight.

daddy mosquito asked, "how was it?"

baby mosquito replied, "it went great! everyone was clapping for me!"

there is always a different way of looking at things :)

(nyc)

searching

i don't have the answers
only the questions
a million of them
please
just give me a sign
that it's coming
what i'm looking for

(nyc)

enigma

don't be afraid to be weak
don't be too proud to be strong
just look into your heart
my friend
and that will be the return to yourself
the return to innocence

if you want then start to laugh
if you want then start to cry
be yourself
don't hide
just believe in destiny
don't care what people say
just follow your own way
don't give up and lose the chance
to return to innocence

(nyc)

birthday gratitude, june 6th

dear God,

thank You for the Love in my life.
thank You for my health, my family, my friends, my work, my finances.
thank You for the travels, the books, the kindness of strangers, clean air and beautiful sunsets.
thank You for the choices, the tests, the lessons, the strength, the resilience, the grace.
thank You for the Oneness, the connections, the depth, the height and the breadth.
thank You for what has been, what is now, and what is to come.
thank You for the blessings, the faith, the hope, and always the Love.
thank You for my smile.

not just a happy birthday, but a grateful one.

(somewhere on a plane b/t LAX>JFK)

making babies

they are two types of babies in the world. one of them looks like this:

cute, cuddly, adorable and they smell good. 

and then there are these types of babies:

a little scary, i know. 

the second type of babies is not overgrown men (although that could qualify as well), but i'm actually talking about creative babies. the kind where you come up with an idea, nurture it, grow it and make something out of it. and it's your baby. these guys above are all geniuses at making those kind of babies. 

they say it takes a village to raise a child, and anyone who's ever babysat a toddler for more than two hours knows that it is not a one person job. they make you want to tear your hair out, they exhaust you and they run you into the ground, all the while smiling sweetly. parents can't get enough help, and it's an endless quest to find more family, more money and more hands.

yet... when it comes to creative babies, so many artists choose to struggle down the path alone. there is a sense of ego involved - that something is my creation and i want all the credit. but how foolish is that?!

look at these guys! together they've creatively achieved more than they ever would have been able to do on their own. raising a creative baby is no different than raising a baby-baby. it's a shit ton of work! so why would you not get your village in place, give credit where credit is due, and in the process make an amazing piece of work that elevates everyone involved?

every person has a set of parents who originally gave birth and hopefully provided the bulk of love and support. but we would not be who we are without the numerous friends, experiences, teachers and soulmates along the way. in fact, we turn out to be better, deeper and richer people when we've had more life-expanding experiences.

it's gotta work the same way with creation too. collaboration should be the journey upon which the masterpiece is created. we need to recognize the contributions and potential of others around us b/c it truly benefits the big picture.

so lay down your lions, let others in, and get to work.

(los angeles)

so tired

i got nothing today. haven't had a chance to catch up on writing all week b/c i've been in one meeting after another.

but the meetings have all been really good, all meant to be, truly, in one weird way or another.

timing gets magical...

and things start falling into place, quick.

(los angeles)

econ 101

when there is less of something, its value increases. even when something that already exists becomes smaller and miniaturized, it somehow becomes cuter and thus more valuable.

examples:

a holy cow ferrari

or mini-hamburgers

in theory and in practice, it makes sense. when demand is constant, it increases when there is less supply of a certain something. and when there is plenty of supply or overcapacity, the demand slacks off.

and how about with relationships? 

guys/girls always like the girls/guys who won't give them the time of day, yet never notice the one who's standing right beside them, ready, giving and willing. 

unfortunately, affection too works like economics and i don't know why we're wired this way. 

wouldn't life be fuller, more beautiful and more peaceful, if none of us craved love, gave freely of it and from it without condition and didn't think that this was such an odd thing? i've met so few people who are capable of living and loving this way, and of the ones that i have, they truly shine and stand out for me. it's amazing to see a human being in his or her full glory, doing what we are all essentially designed for at our core, which is to love freely, deeply and genuinely.

to the bigger hearts out there in the world, cheers to you.

(west hollywood)

life in the hills

really, really grateful for this:

this is why i want to move here, for this view, and for this week, i have it. thank you God/universe/the oneness.

when the insides match the outsides and the outsides match the insides, all is good in this world. i breathe.

(beverly hills)

coming soon

on a scale of 1 to 10, my life veers wildly between a -10 and 20. the highs are unimaginably ridiculous and i can't believe how blessed i truly, truly am. the people, the opportunities, the resources, the work... it's amazing.

the darknesses have been gut-wrenching, character-testing, faith-shattering moments of blackness. 

and through all this... i wonder why i am so rich. my life is so full, in both good ways and "bad", that i feel wealthy inside... and it just makes me wonder, where is this all leading to? what am i being shaped for? what is the purpose of my extreme life? i feel like i'm being tested for something, i just don't know what exactly.

i wish i knew right this very moment, but i also know that the answer is coming soon... i'm starting to see my thoughts literally become reality lately.

(napa valley)

spoilers ahead

have you ever wanted to know what's going to happen next in your life, how things are going to turn out? have you ever gone to see a fortune teller or a palm reader, asking questions about your job, your love life, or maybe some sort of problem?

people say all the time, "it's no fun if you know how things are going to turn out. that's why there are no guarantees in life, that's what makes it fun!" and i think "bullshit." i never understood that sentiment. i always am so curious, almost greedy, to know the final answer...

until recently.

i was watching:

and that's when i got it. i had read some online review about an upcoming episode and even though the author had warned about the spoilers ahead, i read it anyway b/c i thought i wouldn't care. and then when i watched the actual episode, i realized that i did. i did care. it took all the fun out of the show, knowing that i knew the twists and turns of the plot.

and that's when i finally realized the true meaning of that saying, which had been just a cliche to me up till that point. people say it in passing without really meaning it, it's just one of those things that you say. and it always sounded hollow to me, but now i understand that life really is no fun when you know the ending.

the excitement happens in the moments of not knowing. that's what we look forward to in tv shows and movies - without the suspense of the ride, we would never watch such flat, boring stories. yet in real life, we forget this very point b/c we're so focused on getting to the end results and feeling anxious about it the whole time. we forget to breathe... in the moment.

enjoy the now. it's what we actually truly live for.

(napa valley)

tired, but

grateful.

and things become real.

(san fran)

more than enough

you know that scene in jerry maguire where tom cruise's character tells renee zellweger's, "you complete me."?

it's the stuff that women swoon about. women think that life and love should be just like they are in the movies. and i'll the first to admit that i totally love romantic comedies, but that particular line drives me nuts! 

as human beings, we are not all puzzles with missing pieces that someone needs to come in and fill up. i believe that we are all more than enough within ourselves. i've always believed that a person should be able to stand on his/her own two feet on all levels, and that the partner you find is about making your life bigger, brighter and better. it's not about completion, b/c you are already whole, but it's about making the colors more vivid and intense and expanding a life that is shared. 

instead of searching for the "missing" parts of your life, start focusing on creating such a life that everyone wants to come join your party. be complete within yourself. fun attracts fun. light attracts light. completeness attracts completeness.

yes, i am talking to you. you know who are you are, my friend. 

and you are definitely, definitely more than enough.

i have always loved you, as is. believe it.

(nyc)

stripes & colors

i love interior design.

i clipped these pixx awhile ago and was holding onto them. for some reason, they just make me happy inside. i just like to look at the combination of the colors and the stripes :)

(nyc)

letting go...

two zen monks, tanzan and ekido, were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

the monks walked on in silence. five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, ekido could not restrain himself any longer. "why did you carry that girl across the road? we monks are not supposed to do things like that."

"i put that girl down hours ago," said tanzan. "are you still carrying her?"

(nyc)

boldness

"until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. all sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. a whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way." -- w.h. murray from the scottish himalaya expedition, 1951

"whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. boldness has genius, power and magic in it. begin it now." -- johann wolfgang von goethe

(nyc)

smartypants

some people are seriously smart. i am in awe of the processing power of their brains, the depth and breadth of their knowledge and the myriad of their accomplishments.

but the thing is...

sometimes these same people are just a little too smart. because most really intensely intellectually smart people have a problem letting go. they feel the need to control everything, everyone and all situations, b/c in reality, they are almost always right! especially when it comes to work situations and business decisions.

but being in control and being right are the direct antitheses to letting things happen in your life... the unpredictable messy ones i mean. like falling in love or taking emotional risks in general. opening yourself up to hurt, to chance. letting your heart and guts make the decisions instead of the brains. nurturing that little voice inside your head that is your soul. the problem with being so smart is that you can extrapolate every possible scenario out into the future, ten, fifteen, fifty chess moves ahead of everybody else. and when you do, reasons can always be found to justify a no.

how is that, in the grand scheme of things, considered smart?

i have one life to live, no dress rehearsals. i will never get this second back, this minute, the one i just spent writing these sentences. you, who are taking the time to read this, will never get this time back either.

so what if i get burned? so what if my heart shatters into a million pieces? so what if i fall? isn't that what all of this is for? this thing called life? isn't that why i have a heart, a body, a soul, a brain? to use it all to shreds before all my seconds are gone and the lights go dark?

maybe i'm one of the dumb ones. but for every yes i said yes to, and for every no you said no to, my life has been that much fuller, deeper, darker and brighter. my scars are beautiful. my compassion has been stretched to encompass more than you have yet to know.

take a chance. just jump.

(nyc)

stuff that makes me happy

lately my days are a blur of nonstop to-do lists.

so i'm just going to stop and do nothing for five minutes. in fact, i'm just going to make a list of things that make me happy for no reason at all:

big fat trees

cracking the crunchy top on a creme brulee

tin cans, ribbons and stickers

riding my bike

anything stripes

cherries and avocados and watermelon

cobblestones

reading the classified ads

things with a lot of texture and heft

people who smile for real, from the inside - this is rare

ugly dogs

sunshine and a breeze

pasta pasta pasta

the sound of running water

wrapping presents

giving presents

the smell of hyacinths and gardenias

making grandmas smile when i compliment them

super bright colors

beautiful girls

silk, cashmere and leather

the way my stomach feels empty in the morning

super hot showers

really soft bedsheets

babies

the bookstore

peanut butter cookies

new magazines

you.

(nyc)

people that make you go hmmm

tonight i met someone who struck me b/c he was just so real.

i can't quite put my finger on it, but his energy struck me b/c it seemed so neutral. that's a funny word, but i don't mean it in a negative way. he was just simply present as a human being, wanting nothing and needing nothing, but just being himself. no projections, no perceptions, no agenda, no small talk. just real. just present. i don't know how else to describe it.

it was nice. it had nothing to do with the way we were interacting or anything romantic or even friendly. it didn't even have anything to do with two people just clicking or getting along as people sometimes do. it was just about one human being recognizing another, minus the surface of this world. such a strange way to describe it, but sometimes i meet people, however briefly, that move me for some reason. hmm.

(nyc)

here

i saw your twin in the waiting room at the doctor's office

i couldn't stop staring at him

i had dinner with j and b tonight

we all miss you

think of you

i feel you

i know you're here

but

sometimes i just wish

my heart didn't have to ache exactly this way.

(nyc)

two wolves

one evening an old cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

"my son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. one is evil. it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

the other is good. it is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

the grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "which wolf wins?"

the old cherokee simply replied, "the one you feed."

(nyc)

off

some days, i am just cranky. it doesn't happen very often, but every once in awhile, i just want to tell my mind to stuff it. i want to tell my to-do list to disappear, i want words and paragraphs and chapters to magically appear on my screen, i want time to slow down and wait for me to catch up. i want my calendar to stop freaking me out every time i look at the deadlines on it and i want to just float in a warm ocean full of salt and orange sherbet sunsets.

trying to breathe more slowly right now...

(nyc)

  

newton's second law / before & after part ii

lesson two:

force equals mass times acceleration. the greater the mass, the more force that is needed to accelerate.

blah blah blah physics.

so what.

in my 'before & after' post, i showed a picture of a chest of drawers that got a makeover. visually and concretely, it is the simplest way to see change in tangible form. but that was a piece of furniture. how about a human being?

changing yourself has to be one of the hardest things you can ever do in life. it is so so so much easier to criticize others and tell them to change, get angry at your circumstances rather than change your own self, and fingerpoint at everyone and everything else rather than look into your own heart. and the longer you become set in your ways, the harder it becomes to change. which relates back to newton's first law of inertia.

it takes a massive amount of force to change the largest mass in your own life - you.

but the good news is that it's not impossible. no force on this planet is completely immoveable. things are moving all the time; even on the tiniest level, our atoms are always vibrating. 

but how do you make a mass light enough so that it can be moved? how do you make it so that it doesn't require all the force in the world to get going, changing, accelerating? easy. yet also incredibly difficult - let go of your ego.

when you can admit that you are not always the right one, the one with all the answers and the center of your own universe, the world literally opens up. there is so much out there to be explored, experienced and loved, and all you have to do in order to participate is just say YES. it is much easier to travel without the baggage of ego. when you're willing to make mistakes, willing to let others lead the way and willing to let go of control, the forces of light & love & beauty that exist out there in the world can pick you up and start moving you. you become a moveable mass, a veritable moveable feast a la hemingway.

and again, the choice is yours. you can choose to focus on the light, on the possibilities, on the love. because if you want it, it is all there for the taking. it always has been...

funny how a hard-data quantitative science like physics explains "qualitatives" like love?

to be continued in part iii...

(nyc) 

before & after

i find some kind of almost-perverse pleasure in this concept of before & after. actually, i think all humans do. i find it especially satisfying visually when it comes to interior design, which i have always loved. whenever i step into a room or see a random piece of furniture, i immediately start re-arranging it all in my head and imagine what i could do with the space/the piece/the material.

here's an example:

perfectly functional set of ikea drawers - who doesn't heart ikea?

but then - ta-daaah!!!

how cool is that! it just makes me all happy inside :)))

part ii coming in a bit...

(nyc)

did anyone tell you today

that you are beautiful?

you are.

did anyone tell you today that you are loved?

i do.

anytime you need to be told, come read this again. and again.

xoxo

(nyc)

treehugger

"teach your children what we have taught ours, that the earth is our mother. whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of the earth. the earth does not belong to man; man belongs to the earth. man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. we do not inherit the earth from our ancestors; we borrow it from our children." - chief seattle

sometimes, many times, living in a city of high rises, yellow taxi cabs and concrete sidewalks, i forget how moving nature can be. it transcends daily life b/c it is perfect in design. there are no glitches, no miscommunications, no mistakes. nature only absorbs and reflects back exactly what is put into it - which is why it is so important to take care of it, so that it will continue to take care of us.

thank you qb for sharing the video above, it had been awhile since i had seen it :)

(ironically, nyc)

if only you knew

how deeply happy this picture makes me.... :D

(nyc)

love

focus on the light, not the dark.
focus on the possibilities, not the impossibilities.
focus on the what-could-be's, not the what-went-wrong's.
focus on the mosaic, not the tiles.
focus on the expansion, not the compression.
focus on the joy, not the hurt.
focus on the infinite, not the finite.

it is not that the other side should not exist. nothing can ever be whole, ever be grand, ever be more, without its flip side. one can only comprehend desire, beauty and brightness through the existence of its other side.

so understand it.
then let it go.
because one can choose which part to focus on.
the choice will always exist.
and life is too short, too rich, too full
to spend looking forever into a black hole.

(nyc)

patch

how is it possible that something this sweet:

go could from that to this:

in the span of less than a year?? he's huge!! he weighs almost as much as i do and he's super obnoxious in that cute puppy kind of way.

spent a lazy sunday afternoon with patch in the st. germain studio, feeding him oranges and aloe vera. this dog eats eveeeerything. fatso :D

(nyc)

we need more cowbell...

i love will ferrell's belly. that jiggle is awesome :D

this makes me laugh, every single time :D

(kinnelon, nj)

scaredy-cats

for as long as i can remember, i have always loved talking to people. learning from them and about them, asking questions, curious as to what makes a person tick, their dreams, their passions, their fears.

but somehow, so often, my inquisitive nature gets mistaken for a) romantic interest or b) interest with some kind of underlying motive, when this is totally not the case. i just truly love celebrating what makes a person unique and beautiful, and discovering what s(he) has to offer the world. but insecurities come into play and suddenly i become the suspicious one. my interest becomes second-guessed and then the door shuts closed.

why am i not allowed to recognize you? why am i not allowed to find out what an amazing human being you are?

could it turn romantic? yes, it has before. but i fall in love all the time, with men, with woman, with children, with old people. that is the whole point. of life.

interestingly, the more successful, the more famous, the more "powerful" a person is, the more likely they are to not only open up to me, but to ask me questions in return. there is a reason why they are where they are. you cannot pick and choose the aspects in which to open yourself up to the universe. you're just either open to all of it, including the so-called "bad" stuff, or you're not.

what kind of energy do you emit and draw? how open are you, really?

and how open am i? i'm trying, always have been. let me in, let me out, let me be.

let me be me.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson


(nyc)

significance

this is from a journal entry i wrote more than two years ago:

I am always amazed when I think of man against the backdrop of nature in its rawest form – a span of mountains or canyons, the infinite span of galaxies or the life cycle of a redwood sequoia. In that realm of understanding, man seems so insignificant to me, so small. In nature’s territory, we are nothing. Yet man also wields unfathomable amounts of power over his surroundings and the daily choices in his life that ripple out and change outcomes.

yet man also wields unfathomable amounts of power over his surroundings and the daily choices in his life that ripple out and change outcomes...

what happens when you choose to keep going, keep believing, keep moving?

(nyc)

if you know...

the brightest lights cast the darkest shadows.

(nyc)

newton's first law

remember these horrible kinds of graphs in your textbook that made your eyes glaze over and want to stab yourself? i don't know why the so-called clever physicists think that these kinds of pictures speak a thousand words.

because they don't.

gibberish, fools.

but put into plain english, this drawing is of isaac newton's first law: an object at rest tends to stay at rest, while an object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

ok, big frackin' deal. like, who really needs to understand physics or calculus in the real world except for astronauts and the nerds who work on the hadron collider in switzerland? (although i have to admit that i find that kind of stuff very cool. god i am so geeky.)

as an academic proof for doing calculations, sorry isaac, it really has no pertinence to real life. but conceptually, physics can pertain to many things - including emotions, the soul and your spirit. hear me out.

have you ever been in a relationship where you get into some little argument and then it suddenly snowballs into a completely different thing altogether? one minute you're just arguing about some miniscule thing and somehow the next minute is filled with all the reasons that your partner is totally wrong for you/not being very understanding/driving you crazy and you can't believe (s)he did it again - whatever it was. an argument in motion tends to stay in motion.

and then you both huff off and the air is thick with tension and you feel sick to your stomach. you start questioning whether this person is even right for you and how could they not understand something as simple as you. ridiculous, eh? but now the stalemate fills the space and both of you are avoiding each other b/c each of you is so right. a silence at rest tends to stay at rest.

and then the longer the silence festers, the longer the emotions have a chance to get taken over by the head and its cool logical proceedings, the more it makes sense that maybe you should break up. maybe you should see other people, like the cute guy/girl you met in passing through work who flirts with you. and your mind starts filling up with possibilities, even though your body is still in the same place. 

but you see, the longer that stalemate stays at rest, the easier and more sense that breakup becomes. and that is how relationships/marriages/friendships end. because there was nothing to stop the inevitable. 

but what about the unbalanced force? this is where i believe free will plays a part. this is the part where you have a choice in the matter of "inevitability" and the natural laws of motion. you can choose to lay down your ego, to say sorry, to forgive. to be the bigger person, even in the face of. you can change the trajectory of a looming outcome and put a relationship back into play.  

and that, my friends, is newton's first law at work in real life. because this law of stopping/starting and the forces at play around you are a part of every single aspect in your life. who said you couldn't work, couldn't achieve your dreams? who said you couldn't get that dream job/girl/guy/house/etc? your self-doubts will keep you at rest and keep you there forever. a hitter seems to gain momentum from out of nowhere and is suddenly in the midst of everything, in perpetual play. sheer will.

the relationship argument is just an example. but the structural concept behind the feelings... well, that's just physics.

stay tuned for newton's second law...

(nyc)

jump jump

you know that scene in big where tom hanks and elizabeth perkins jump on the trampoline inside his loft?

i want one of those. a loft. with a trampoline in it.

(nyc)

lately

blank inside/distract myself with work with fun with surfing/but in silence/a blank slate/blinking cursor/waiting/inspiration/dry...
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(nyc)